Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay... practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it's not so bad... there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food.
Tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you 'til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.
It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
2008-12-31
2008-12-30
gift exchange
It's been wonderful seeing all the relatives and friends! Thankfully they've all buggered off now and you can start dealing with the gaudy ties and the 19 pairs of dorky socks. So, having traded all this in for some cash, you need to find yourself a suitable new toy.
Here's a suggestion for a nifty new gauge to add to your tool collection: get yourself along to your hardware supplier and into "Lowes Tool Department".
Lowes Gauges - Man Toys
Here's a suggestion for a nifty new gauge to add to your tool collection: get yourself along to your hardware supplier and into "Lowes Tool Department".
Lowes Gauges - Man Toys2008-12-29
smart ass 02
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting here all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
Tennis Elbow
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drug store at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... A hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drug store. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drug store, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drug store at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... A hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drug store. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drug store, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
2008-12-28
Ed
"Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed."Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'hoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It could not have been bigger than the size of an AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor.
Ten minutes later, he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I do not know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it will not happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Ed replied...
2008-12-27
The Indian with one testicle
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone.' He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story? OH, Come on... take a guess! Think about it... (You're going to love this!)
And the moral of this story is...
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story? OH, Come on... take a guess! Think about it... (You're going to love this!)
And the moral of this story is...You can't kill two birds with one stone!
poor ole Bob
Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to the local strip club for some fun.
The doorman greets them and says "Hey Bob, how ya doin?".
Bob's wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no" replied Bob. "He's on my bowling team".
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly more uncomfortable and says "How did she know you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress at the golf club and I always have a Bud at the turn honey."
A stripper then come over to the table and throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over Bob and says " Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance big boy?"
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows her and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob desperately tries to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her voice calling him every four letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez, Bob you picked up a real bitch this time!"
The doorman greets them and says "Hey Bob, how ya doin?".
Bob's wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no" replied Bob. "He's on my bowling team".
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly more uncomfortable and says "How did she know you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress at the golf club and I always have a Bud at the turn honey."
A stripper then come over to the table and throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over Bob and says " Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance big boy?"
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows her and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob desperately tries to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her voice calling him every four letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez, Bob you picked up a real bitch this time!"
2008-12-26
ancient golfers
Three men went out to play a round of golf -- Moses, Jesus and an old man. Moses teed off first, and the ball landed in the water. He parted the water, and hit the ball in for a birdie.
Jesus teed off next, and the ball landed in the water. He then walked on the water, and hit the ball in for a birdie.
Lastly, the old man teed off, but before the ball could hit the water, a fish jumped out and caught the ball in its mouth. Then an eagle swooped down and caught the fish. Lightening then struck near the eagle, frightening it, and it dropped the fish. When the fish hit the ground, it dropped the ball in for a perfect hole in one.
Jesus and Moses turn to the old man, and Jesus said, "Dad, if you don't quit playing like that, we're not going to bring you anymore."
Jesus teed off next, and the ball landed in the water. He then walked on the water, and hit the ball in for a birdie.
Lastly, the old man teed off, but before the ball could hit the water, a fish jumped out and caught the ball in its mouth. Then an eagle swooped down and caught the fish. Lightening then struck near the eagle, frightening it, and it dropped the fish. When the fish hit the ground, it dropped the ball in for a perfect hole in one.
Jesus and Moses turn to the old man, and Jesus said, "Dad, if you don't quit playing like that, we're not going to bring you anymore."
3rd grade morals & Jack Daniels
A third grade teacher asked her class to come back the next day with a story that you can attach a moral to.
The next day, the first little girl went to the front. "me and my daddy run a farm, and when we went to sell our eggs the basket tipped over and we lost all our eggs. My moral: don't put all your eggs in one basket."
A little boy came to the front. "me and my dad run a farm too,and only six of the twelve eggs hatched in the incubator. My moral: don't count your chickens before they hatch."
A second little girl came up and said: "my uncle Eddie was a fighter pilot in Vietnam, and was shot down over enemy territory. All he had floating down was a bottle of Jack Daniels, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the Jack Daniels to not waste it and landed in the middle of a hundred Vietnamese soldiers. He killed seventy with the machine gun, twenty with the machete before it broke and ten with his bare hands."
"Oh my God! How does that have a morel to it?" her teacher asked.
"Don't fuck with uncle Eddie when he's been drinkin!"
The next day, the first little girl went to the front. "me and my daddy run a farm, and when we went to sell our eggs the basket tipped over and we lost all our eggs. My moral: don't put all your eggs in one basket."
A little boy came to the front. "me and my dad run a farm too,and only six of the twelve eggs hatched in the incubator. My moral: don't count your chickens before they hatch."
A second little girl came up and said: "my uncle Eddie was a fighter pilot in Vietnam, and was shot down over enemy territory. All he had floating down was a bottle of Jack Daniels, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the Jack Daniels to not waste it and landed in the middle of a hundred Vietnamese soldiers. He killed seventy with the machine gun, twenty with the machete before it broke and ten with his bare hands."
"Oh my God! How does that have a morel to it?" her teacher asked.
"Don't fuck with uncle Eddie when he's been drinkin!"
(thank goodness this wasn't the English class)
..and the last shall be...
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line the last guy in the line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:
"Make 'em all ugly again."
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line the last guy in the line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:
"Make 'em all ugly again."in patient
A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"
The old lady in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."
The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit."
The old lady in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."
The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit."
2008-12-24
2008-12-23
double glazed blonde
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.
Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year. Namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo!' I told him, 'It's been a year!'
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate my intelligence again!
almost caught
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde all work in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they’d leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back, so how was she to know?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, during their coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them.
“NO WAY,” she exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, during their coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them.
“NO WAY,” she exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”
reindeer
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year (which are the only members of the deer family, Cervidae, to have females do so), Male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolf to Blitzen....... had to be a female. We should have known this when they were able to find their way.
2008-12-22
Lonely Xmas Eve
A woman is very lonely on Christmas Eve. She is wearing this pretty red silk dress for Christmas and then she hears Santa coming down the chimney. "Oh Santa!" she says. "Thank goodness you are here! I've been so lonely! Can you stay for the night?""Ho, Ho, Ho, gotta go, gotta go, can't leave my reindeer left in the snow."
She slides down a sleeve from her dress, "Can you stay now Santa?" she asks.
"Ho, Ho, Ho, gotta go, gotta go, can't leave my reindeer left in the snow."
She slides down the other sleeve, "can you please stay now Santa?" asked the women.
"Ho, Ho, Ho, gotta go, gotta go, can't leave my reindeer left in the snow."
Finally she takes off the whole dress and asks if he can stay.
"Hey, Hey, Hey, gotta stay, gotta stay! Can't get down the chimney with my boner in the way!"
the little guy
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, "What'cha gonna do about it?"
The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
“This is the worst day of my life,” says the little guy between sobs, “I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life,
The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
“This is the worst day of my life,” says the little guy between sobs, “I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life,
and then you show up and drink the damn poison."
getting younger
This lady goes to the doctor for a check up. When she gets home her husband asks, "So how did the appointment go?"She replies, "He said, I have the body of a twenty year old.
Her husband says, "Oh yeah. And what did he have to say about your forty year old ass?"
She says, "Your name didn't come up."
2008-12-21
blind blonde joke
A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"!!!
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...
1 - The bartender is a blonde woman.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde woman.
3 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
4 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler
5 - I'm a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD., a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude! Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says; "Naaaah . . . not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
check the scores given by the blondes!
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...
1 - The bartender is a blonde woman.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde woman.
3 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
4 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler
5 - I'm a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD., a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude! Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says; "Naaaah . . . not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
check the scores given by the blondes!with a plan
On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
So God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
So God agreed.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
That is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
So God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
So God agreed.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
That is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.
bear hunting
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right afterwards, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear has his way with Frank.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.
Right afterwards, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough
sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank.
Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip back to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.
Right afterwards, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough
sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly has his way with Frank.Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank is completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
2008-12-20
turkey picking
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
For whom the bell tolls
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, “And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, “And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”
playing through
Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow and were holding up the men's game.
"Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through?" asked the first man.
The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man emphatically. "Enough is enough."
He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.
"Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife and the other is my mistress."
The other man shrugged and said: "No sweat." He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, he turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said: "Small world"
who were the blondes?
"Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through?" asked the first man.
The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man emphatically. "Enough is enough."
He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.
"Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife and the other is my mistress."
The other man shrugged and said: "No sweat." He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, he turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said: "Small world"
who were the blondes?Lady's Tee
A golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot. Just as he was about ready to hit, a voice came over the PA system: "Will the gentleman on the lady's tee please move back to the men's tee?"
He looked up, looked back down and then resumed addressing the ball again. The voice again boomed, "Will the man on the red tees PLEASE MOVE BACK to the white tees?!"
He looked back at the starters shack and yelled, "Will the IDIOT on the PA shut up so that the man on the lady's tee can hit his second shot!"
(aren't we all?)
He looked up, looked back down and then resumed addressing the ball again. The voice again boomed, "Will the man on the red tees PLEASE MOVE BACK to the white tees?!"
He looked back at the starters shack and yelled, "Will the IDIOT on the PA shut up so that the man on the lady's tee can hit his second shot!"
(aren't we all?)blonde & blonde
A blonde woman was driving along the highway when a blonde police officer pulled her over for speeding.
“May I see your license?” the officer asked.
“What does it look like?” the blonde woman asked.
“It’s a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it,” the officer explained.
The woman looked through her bag and pulled out her compact mirror and handed it to the officer.
The officer opened it up and said, “If you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn’t have pulled you over!”
“May I see your license?” the officer asked.
“What does it look like?” the blonde woman asked.
“It’s a rectangular thing with a photo of you on it,” the officer explained.
The woman looked through her bag and pulled out her compact mirror and handed it to the officer.
The officer opened it up and said, “If you had told me you were a police officer I wouldn’t have pulled you over!”
the punishment fits the crime
Three men were walking aimlessly in the desert when they suddenly spotted a castle. Dying of thirst, they decided to go in whereupon they were greeted by dozens of beautiful women.
The three men decided to stay and for a week they enjoyed themselves having sex many times a day with all of the beautiful women. After a week, the king of the castle and his army of men came back. As he walked into his castle, he found the three men with his women.
Upset, the king ordered his army to capture the three men and line them up against the wall. Then the king said that each of them would be severely punished according to their occupation.
The king went up the first man and demanded to know his occupation. The first man replied, "I’m a fireman."
The king told his army, "Burn off his penis."
Then he walked over to the second man and asked his occupation. Hesitating the man said, "I...I...I...I'm a police officer."
The king ordered, "Shoot off his penis."
Then finally the King asked the third man his occupation. With a huge smile on his face the man replied, "Lollipop salesman."
The three men decided to stay and for a week they enjoyed themselves having sex many times a day with all of the beautiful women. After a week, the king of the castle and his army of men came back. As he walked into his castle, he found the three men with his women.
Upset, the king ordered his army to capture the three men and line them up against the wall. Then the king said that each of them would be severely punished according to their occupation.
The king went up the first man and demanded to know his occupation. The first man replied, "I’m a fireman."
The king told his army, "Burn off his penis."
Then he walked over to the second man and asked his occupation. Hesitating the man said, "I...I...I...I'm a police officer."
The king ordered, "Shoot off his penis."
Then finally the King asked the third man his occupation. With a huge smile on his face the man replied, "Lollipop salesman."
2008-12-19
one smart redneck
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas Buddy"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas Buddy"
open fly
The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir. all I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"
8" tool
This useful tool is commonly found in the range of 8 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other.
In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.
Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some of from its long glistening shaft.
After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. Ah yes, such are the characteristics of one's
(dirty mind?)
In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.
Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some of from its long glistening shaft.
After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. Ah yes, such are the characteristics of one's
(dirty mind?)
mother nature
On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods. Harry, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond. Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball. Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch.Suddenly, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life... better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
Then POOF!...she was gone.
After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!... Harry!... where are you?"
Harry yells, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."
Fred screams back..... "DON'T SWING!!! FOR GOD'S SAKE!! DON'T SWING!!!"
2008-12-18
parrot reform
Carol received a parrot as an early Xmas gift. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Carol tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything she could think of to try and set a good example...
Nothing worked. She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Carol put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments she heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming - then suddenly there was quiet. Carol was frightened that she might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Carol's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavour to correct my behaviour."
Carol was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the turkey did?"
Nothing worked. She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Carol put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments she heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming - then suddenly there was quiet. Carol was frightened that she might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Carol's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavour to correct my behaviour."
Carol was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what the turkey did?"
baseball explained
A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"
A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"
The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"
All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."
After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"
instrumental octopus
A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus, sets him up on the bar and says "I bet anyone in here 50 bucks that my octopus can play any musical instrument you hand him.One guy walks up with a guitar and says, "You're on." He lays his 50 bucks on the bar and hands over the guitar. The octopus proceeds to tune the strings and begins to play a wonderful classical rendition. Everyone's aghast! The guy collects his 50 bucks.
Next guy brings up a trumpet and lays his money on the bar. The octopus takes it, plays with the valves for a moment, and proceeds to play a wonderful jazz riff. The guy collects his money again.
The bartender leaves and comes back a few minutes later with a set of bagpipes and lays his 50 bucks on the bar. The octopus picks it up, turns it around, looks at it some more, turns it over again to get a different perspective. After a few minutes of this the guy is getting impatient and asks, "What are you waiting for? Why don't you start playing it?"
The octopus looks over and says, "Play it? Hell I was trying to figure out how to get her pyjamas off!"
2008-12-17
female & male geography
Geography of a woman
Between birth and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America, very well developed and open to trade, especially for cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Italy, lost some wars, won some battles, haunted by past mistakes, but still very strong and proud.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wide and borders are now largely un-patrolled.
After 70, she becomes Tibet. Off the beaten path, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...still desirable but only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge and true love dare visit there.
Geography of a man
Between 1 and 78 a man, like Iran, is ruled by a dick.
Between birth and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America, very well developed and open to trade, especially for cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Italy, lost some wars, won some battles, haunted by past mistakes, but still very strong and proud.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wide and borders are now largely un-patrolled.
After 70, she becomes Tibet. Off the beaten path, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...still desirable but only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge and true love dare visit there.
Geography of a man
Between 1 and 78 a man, like Iran, is ruled by a dick.
9 loaded phrases
1 Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2 Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3 Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4 Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5 Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6 That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7 Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').
8 Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying SCREW YOU!
9 Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to 3.
if you're smiling right now it probably means..
.. the lump on the back of your head is no longer hurting so much
2 Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3 Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4 Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5 Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6 That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7 Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').
8 Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying SCREW YOU!
9 Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to 3.
if you're smiling right now it probably means..
.. the lump on the back of your head is no longer hurting so much
unique golf ball
Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had just one golf ball.
“Don’t you have at least one other golf ball?” he asked.
The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.
“Are you sure?” the friend persisted. “What happens if you lose that ball?”
The other guy replied, “This is a very special golf ball. I won’t lose it so I don’t need another one.”
"Well,” the friend asked, “what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?”
“That’s OK,” he replied, “this special golf ball floats. I’ll be able to retrieve it.”
“Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?”
The other guy replied, “That’s OK too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I’ll be able to get it back -- no problem.”
Exasperated, the friend asks, “OK. Let’s say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?”
“No problem,” says the other guy, “you see, this ball is florescent. I’ll be able to see it in the dark.”
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, “Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?”
The other guy replies, “I found it.”
“Don’t you have at least one other golf ball?” he asked.
The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.
“Are you sure?” the friend persisted. “What happens if you lose that ball?”
The other guy replied, “This is a very special golf ball. I won’t lose it so I don’t need another one.”
"Well,” the friend asked, “what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?”
“That’s OK,” he replied, “this special golf ball floats. I’ll be able to retrieve it.”
“Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?”
The other guy replied, “That’s OK too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I’ll be able to get it back -- no problem.”
Exasperated, the friend asks, “OK. Let’s say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?”
“No problem,” says the other guy, “you see, this ball is florescent. I’ll be able to see it in the dark.”
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, “Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?”
The other guy replies, “I found it.”
2008-12-16
Dear Doctor
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are useless.
After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?
A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant.
A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and was very healthy, but the wife got pregnant yet again.
Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got pregnant again.
I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies.
The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.
Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried it between her knees and I couldn't get anywhere near her.
You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real thing.
Yours sincerely,
Bubba
After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?
A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant.
A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and was very healthy, but the wife got pregnant yet again.
Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but still got pregnant again.
I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies.
The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across the forehead.
Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried it between her knees and I couldn't get anywhere near her.
You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real thing.
Yours sincerely,
Bubba
drinking buddies
An Australian, a Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer. All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. 'In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice,' he says.
The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. 'Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass either,' he says.
The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi. He turns to the astonished barman and says, 'In 'Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.
The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. 'Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass either,' he says.
The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Kiwi. He turns to the astonished barman and says, 'In 'Strailya mate, we have so many bloody South Africans and Kiwis that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.
2008-12-15
sport commentators - gotta love 'em
Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'
Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father. '
Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'
Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'
Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'
Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father. '
Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'
Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'
Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'
At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'
Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'
blonde farmer
A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 and goes to Texas to buy a bull. She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull.
"It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it," he says.
She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."
The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $0.75 per word."
She thinks about it for a moment and says, "I'd like to send one word, please."
"And what word would that be?" inquires the man.
"Comfortable," replies the brunette.
The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but is your friend going to understand this telegram?"
The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads really slowly. When she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."
"It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it," he says.
She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."
The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $0.75 per word."
She thinks about it for a moment and says, "I'd like to send one word, please."
"And what word would that be?" inquires the man.
"Comfortable," replies the brunette.
The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but is your friend going to understand this telegram?"
The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads really slowly. When she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."
difficult shot
Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like forever. He’d waggle, look down, look up, but never start his back swing. Finally Shelly, his playing partner, asked, “Why on Earth are you taking so long to make this shot?”“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a good one,” said Bob.
“Good Lord,” said Shelly, “You haven’t got a chance of hitting her from here.”
clocking in
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly.Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
2008-12-14
lawyers are not jurors
A trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had forgotten to call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he thought was an exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go through the courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury. The bailiff returned with a group of lawyers.
The prosecutor felt that it would be an interesting experiment to try a case before a jury of lawyers, and the defense counsel had no objection, so a jury was impaneled. And the trial went very quickly -- after only an hour of testimony, and very short closing arguments, both sides rested. The jury was then instructed by the judge, and was sent back to the jury room to deliberate.
After nearly six hours, the trial court was concerned that the jury had not returned with a verdict. The case had in fact turned out to be every bit as simple as he had expected, and it seemed to him that they should have been back in minutes. He sent the bailiff to the jury room, to see if they needed anything.
The bailiff returned, and the judge asked, "Are they close to reaching a verdict?"
The bailiff shook his head, and replied, "Your honor, they're still doing nomination speeches for the position of foreman."
The prosecutor felt that it would be an interesting experiment to try a case before a jury of lawyers, and the defense counsel had no objection, so a jury was impaneled. And the trial went very quickly -- after only an hour of testimony, and very short closing arguments, both sides rested. The jury was then instructed by the judge, and was sent back to the jury room to deliberate.
After nearly six hours, the trial court was concerned that the jury had not returned with a verdict. The case had in fact turned out to be every bit as simple as he had expected, and it seemed to him that they should have been back in minutes. He sent the bailiff to the jury room, to see if they needed anything.
The bailiff returned, and the judge asked, "Are they close to reaching a verdict?"
The bailiff shook his head, and replied, "Your honor, they're still doing nomination speeches for the position of foreman."
trapped
Question:
You are trapped in an elevator with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer. You have a gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do?
Answer:
Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure he's dead.
You are trapped in an elevator with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer. You have a gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do?
Answer:
Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure he's dead.
dogs & men
How dogs and men are the same:* Both take up too much space on the bed.
* Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
* Both mark their territory.
* Neither tells you what's bothering them.
* The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
* Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
* Neither does any dishes.
* Both fart shamelessly.
* Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
* Both like dominance games.
* Both are suspicious of the postman.
* Neither understands what you see in cats.
How dogs are better than men:
* Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
* Dogs miss you when you're gone.
* Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
* Dogs admit when they're jealous.
* Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
* You can train a dog.
* Dogs are easy to buy for.
* Dogs understand what "no" means.
* Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
* The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas (okay, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
* Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
red riding hood
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping through the forest on her way to Grandma's house. Suddenly, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of the forest and says, " Your in deep trouble Little Red Riding Hood. I'm going to rip off your clothes and rape you until you faint."
With that, Little Red Riding Hood reaches into her basket and pulls out a very large handgun, points it at the Big Bad Wolf and says. "No you're not, you're going to get down on all-fours and EAT ME, just like the story says!"
With that, Little Red Riding Hood reaches into her basket and pulls out a very large handgun, points it at the Big Bad Wolf and says. "No you're not, you're going to get down on all-fours and EAT ME, just like the story says!"
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