Blondine haak af en klap die man deur die gesig dat hy sterre sien en sê: "Dít, Meneer, is GESIG-seep, níe KOEKIE-seep nie!"
one defies translation, the other requires none(Tx AN)
2009-02-28
Lekkkir Blond
Die blondine doen inkopies, en terwyl sy tussen die rakke stap, val daar seep uit haar waentjie uit. Die man wat agter haar stap, sien dit, tel die seep op, en roep: "Verskoon my tog, Mevrou, maar jou koekie seep het uit die waentjie geval!"
Blondine haak af en klap die man deur die gesig dat hy sterre sien en sê: "Dít, Meneer, is GESIG-seep, níe KOEKIE-seep nie!"
one defies translation, the other requires none
Blondine haak af en klap die man deur die gesig dat hy sterre sien en sê: "Dít, Meneer, is GESIG-seep, níe KOEKIE-seep nie!"
one defies translation, the other requires none
Pulling Rank
I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be great." I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not.
A few moments later our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane." She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray.
She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one."
The flight attendant replied, "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!"
A few moments later our flight attendant came back and said to her: "Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane." She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again to put up the tray.
She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one."
The flight attendant replied, "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!"
Blonde Kidnapper
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
2009-02-27
For The Dumb (& Dumber)
Bet you've had one or two of these:
"Dear Myob Nfo, my name is Ffopir and I need your help. My parents died tragically and I cannot wrap up the estate - which is worth USD 5,55O,4Q2- If you send USD 1,000- to my account then I can get my money and you can have one million for helping me. blah, blah.
Perfected by Nigerians since
before Mohammed made a profit
"Dear Myob Nfo, my name is Ffopir and I need your help. My parents died tragically and I cannot wrap up the estate - which is worth USD 5,55O,4Q2- If you send USD 1,000- to my account then I can get my money and you can have one million for helping me. blah, blah.
You rich yet, you wonderful philanthopist, you!
Perfected by Nigerians sincebefore Mohammed made a profit
Four Worms
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
The Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive
So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service --
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
The Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive
So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service --
2009-02-26
Serious Scrabblers
Having trouble getting those tiles to make sense: there is help online. First, a teaser or two or...
Source Word------ > Rearranges to:
DORMITORY ----- -DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES---MONEY LOST IN ME
DESPERATION-----A ROPE ENDS IT
MOTHER-IN-LAW-WOMAN HITLER
Internet Anagram Server
Some interesting stuff: browse, browse.
Source Word------ > Rearranges to:
DORMITORY ----- -DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES---MONEY LOST IN ME
DESPERATION-----A ROPE ENDS IT
MOTHER-IN-LAW-WOMAN HITLER
Internet Anagram Server
Some interesting stuff: browse, browse.
(Tx TB)
What's In A Name
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said 'I want to be a movie star.' Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, 'What's your name?'
The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name.'
'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.'
'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
'Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Pe
nis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice..
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
The agent asked, 'What's your name?'
The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name.'
'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.'
The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.'
'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
'Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Pe
nis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.Thank you for your advice..
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
Sentence Structure Is So Important
The boss had to fire somebody and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Mary or Jack.. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before but I either have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she says..... "I feel like shit."
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before but I either have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she says..... "I feel like shit."
(tx TB)
2009-02-25
Destressing Your Diet
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate ,brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and TootsieRolls.
Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
Foods that have the same colour have the same number of calories.
Examples are: Spinach & Pistachio Ice Cream; Mushrooms and Mashed Potatoes.
Chocolate is a universal colour and may be substituted for any other food colour.
Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We all know how calories like to cling!)
If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate ,brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and TootsieRolls.
Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
Foods that have the same colour have the same number of calories.
Examples are: Spinach & Pistachio Ice Cream; Mushrooms and Mashed Potatoes.
Chocolate is a universal colour and may be substituted for any other food colour.
Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We all know how calories like to cling!)
When Grandma Goes To Court
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy and, frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've know Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy,he's bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defence attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks here if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."
(Tx NM)
2009-02-24
Shakespeare
Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be a Shakespearean Play.
The first little boy was to say "My fair maiden... I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope".
The second little boy was to reply by saying "Hark! a pistol shot."
Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up. The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified! .
They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin. The first boy yelled out those unforgettable words...
"My fair maiden... I have come to kiss your snatch!... and fill your hole with soap."
The second boy screams out... "Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, cow shit, bull shit....I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway..."
... End of opening night ...
The first little boy was to say "My fair maiden... I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope".
The second little boy was to reply by saying "Hark! a pistol shot."
Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up. The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified! .
They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin. The first boy yelled out those unforgettable words...
"My fair maiden... I have come to kiss your snatch!... and fill your hole with soap."
The second boy screams out... "Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, cow shit, bull shit....I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway..."
... End of opening night ...
Candid Advice
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked him how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked: "How do you handle the situation when you're asked for free advice during a social function?"
"I just write up a bill and send it off in the mail afterwards," replied the lawyer.
The next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and wrote a $50 bill for the ulcer-stricken man. That afternoon he received a $100 account from the lawyer.
LAWYER CAUGHT ON CANDID CAMERA
"I just write up a bill and send it off in the mail afterwards," replied the lawyer.
The next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and wrote a $50 bill for the ulcer-stricken man. That afternoon he received a $100 account from the lawyer.
LAWYER CAUGHT ON CANDID CAMERADress-Up
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted toward how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion , they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said: "Last Friday at the end of the workday I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it, and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"
The engaged woman giggled and said: "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose, and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"
The married woman put her glass down and said: "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings, and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down, and yelled: "Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"
2009-02-23
Contractions
A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first-year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked: "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you are having an orgasm?"
"Yeah," she replied, "probably playing golf with his buddies."
"Hold these! I have to go back for my wife."
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked: "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you are having an orgasm?"
"Yeah," she replied, "probably playing golf with his buddies."
"Hold these! I have to go back for my wife."... Stays in Vegas
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?' Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'
Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job? No hand-job is worth that kind of money!'
The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the corner?'
'Yes.'
'Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?'
'Yes.'
'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?'
'Yes.'
'Well,' says the hooker, smiling invitingly, 'I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.'
Guy says, 'What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.'
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is amazed, and he says, 'I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?'
The hooker replies, '$1,500.'
'I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!'
The hooker replies, 'Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.'
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car and says, 'Sign me up.'
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,'How much for some pussy?'
The hooker says, 'Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?'
'Damn!' the guy says, in awe, 'You own the whole city?'
'No,' the hooker replies, 'but I would if I had a pussy.'
Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job? No hand-job is worth that kind of money!'
The hooker says, 'Do you see that Denny's on the corner?'
'Yes.'
'Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?'
'Yes.'
'And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?'
'Yes.'
'Well,' says the hooker, smiling invitingly, 'I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500.'
Guy says, 'What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try.'
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is amazed, and he says, 'I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?'
The hooker replies, '$1,500.'
'I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!'
The hooker replies, 'Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.'
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car and says, 'Sign me up.'
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker,'How much for some pussy?'
The hooker says, 'Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?'
'Damn!' the guy says, in awe, 'You own the whole city?'
'No,' the hooker replies, 'but I would if I had a pussy.'
Morning After
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2:00 a.m., at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backward and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
You can't always find one when you need one,
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
You can't always find one when you need one,and sometimes they aren't there for you,
but in those cases, there's always duct tape.
2009-02-22
Indian Mating Custom
Two Indians and a redneck were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard a answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The redneck was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was the other Indian crazy or what?
"No," said the Indian, "It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."
Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The redneck wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!
It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard a answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The redneck was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was the other Indian crazy or what?
"No," said the Indian, "It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."
Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The redneck wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!
It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the Local Newspaper read..
NAKED REDNECK RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN
What Is Politics
This little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
"Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her The Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny we'll consider her The Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing The Working Class, The Government is sound asleep, The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep shit."
"Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her The Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny we'll consider her The Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing The Working Class, The Government is sound asleep, The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep shit."
Fruit Loops
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of Fruit Loops, the cereal with the hole in it. He gave all the children the same kind of loop, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour. The children began to say:
Red................cherry
Yellow.............lemon
Green..............lime
Orange ............orange
Finally the professor gave them all 'honey' loops. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. 'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may Sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled,
(Oh naught, see where Nigeria is!)
Red................cherry
Yellow.............lemon
Green..............lime
Orange ............orange
Finally the professor gave them all 'honey' loops. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste. 'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may Sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled,
'Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes!!'
(Oh naught, see where Nigeria is!)2009-02-21
Double Digit Handicap
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill.
The pharmacist asked: "How many?"
The man replied: "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
The pharmacist said: "That's too small a dose."
The old fellow said: "Oh, I'm past 80 years old and I don't even think about sex much any more. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes."
The pharmacist asked: "How many?"
The man replied: "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
The pharmacist said: "That's too small a dose."
The old fellow said: "Oh, I'm past 80 years old and I don't even think about sex much any more. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes."
Cunning Linguist
This guy walks into the bar and sees a gorgeous redhead sitting on a bar stool all alone. So the guy sits down next to her and pulls a small box from his pocket. He opens it and there's a frog inside.
The redhead says: "He's cute, but does he do tricks?"
The guy says: "Yea, he's a cunning linguist."
So after talking with her for several minutes, he convinces her to come with him to his apartment.
They get there and she takes all of her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets the frog right between her legs and it just sits there not moving at all.
The redhead says: "Well? What's up?"
The frog still does not move. So the guy leans over to the frog and says: "All right, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
The redhead says: "He's cute, but does he do tricks?"
The guy says: "Yea, he's a cunning linguist."
So after talking with her for several minutes, he convinces her to come with him to his apartment.
They get there and she takes all of her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets the frog right between her legs and it just sits there not moving at all.
The redhead says: "Well? What's up?"
The frog still does not move. So the guy leans over to the frog and says: "All right, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
Jackass - 0 & Jackass - 0
In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone: I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still laying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and heard his voice. "Hello?"
I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show you how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 555-1212.
(Keep reading, it gets better.)
One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here first!"
The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) Then I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked, "Are you the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car is parked right out front."
I asked, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Sure."
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this wasn't as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No!"
He said, "What's your name, pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said, "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" And I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"
And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!
I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it off the evening news!
I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still laying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and heard his voice. "Hello?"
I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show you how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 555-1212.
(Keep reading, it gets better.)
One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here first!"
The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) Then I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked, "Are you the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car is parked right out front."
I asked, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Sure."
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this wasn't as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No!"
He said, "What's your name, pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said, "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" And I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"
And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!
I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it off the evening news!
2009-02-20
The Same Anywhere
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction centre, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of GI insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of GI insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"
What Do You See
Take a look at the picture before reading below. So, what do you see?
Now look below for the explanation
Research has shown that young children cannot identify the intimate couple because they do not have prior memory associated with such scenaria. What they see are the nine dolphins.
Additional Note: This is a test to determine if you already have a corrupt mind. If it's hard for you for to find the dolphins within 3 seconds, your mind is indeed corrupted.
(okay, so tell us something we don't know)
2009-02-19
19 Things
_1 Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
_2 If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
_3 There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
_4 People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
_5 And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
_6 You should not confuse your career with your life.
_7 No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
_8 When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
_9 Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10 Never lick a steak knife.
11 Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12 The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13 You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14 You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15 There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
16 The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17 The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18 A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
19 Your friends love you anyway.
_2 If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
_3 There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
_4 People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
_5 And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
_6 You should not confuse your career with your life.
_7 No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
_8 When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
_9 Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10 Never lick a steak knife.
11 Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12 The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13 You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14 You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15 There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
16 The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17 The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18 A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
19 Your friends love you anyway.
nerd - 1, princess - 0
A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.
A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.
Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"
"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex ... But a talking frog is pretty neat."
A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.
A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.
Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"
"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex ... But a talking frog is pretty neat."
2009-02-18
Dear John (in technicolour)
Valentine is over and some stark truths have come to light...
Today's posting is dedicated to how people deal with their partner's infidelity.
Today's posting is dedicated to how people deal with their partner's infidelity.
Dear John - in Collage
Dear Ricky,-----------------------------
I can no longer continue our relationship.
The distance between us is too great.
I must admit that I have cheated on you
twice since you've been gone, and it's not
fair to either of us. I'm sorry.-----------
Please return the picture of me that I
sent to you.--------------------------
Love, Becky-------------------------
I can no longer continue our relationship.
The distance between us is too great.
I must admit that I have cheated on you
twice since you've been gone, and it's not
fair to either of us. I'm sorry.-----------
Please return the picture of me that I
sent to you.--------------------------
Love, Becky-------------------------
2009-02-17
Fossil Fuel vs Nuclear Power
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
Single Black Female....
Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play, long walks in the woods, riding in your pick-up, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire, and candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work wearing only what nature gave me.
Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.
The above was a real ad placed in the Atlanta Journal Personal Column......
Over 150 men called about this ad and found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight-week old Black Labrador Retriever...named Daisy!
Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.
The above was a real ad placed in the Atlanta Journal Personal Column......
Over 150 men called about this ad and found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight-week old Black Labrador Retriever...named Daisy!
A Fart (wife insists I'm fixated)
A fart is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.
A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud
A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song.....
A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent , and deadly.
A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......
A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.
From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.
But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget.......
Sweet old farts like you!
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.
A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud
A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song.....
A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent , and deadly.
A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......
A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.
From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.
But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget.......
Sweet old farts like you!
2009-02-16
Courageous Woman
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want any pain killers because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."
The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"
The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"
The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
Waffles?
One day, a mother and her two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out, "Ouch you fucking wanker!"
Later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. She said: "Father, my boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know what to do."
"Well, have you tried smacking them?" the priest asked.
"No," she replied. "Doesn't the church look down on that?"
"Well," the priest said, "yes, but in some cases we'll make an exception."
The next day, the two boys came down for breakfast and she asked Tommy what he wanted to eat.
Tommy said: "Gimme some fucking waffles."
The mother backhanded Tommy so hard that he flew out of his chair and landed against the door.
Shocked and terrified by this, Timmy became very quiet. His mother asked him what he wants for breakfast, and he replied, "Well you can bet your sweet ass I don't want no fucking waffles!"
Later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. She said: "Father, my boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know what to do."
"Well, have you tried smacking them?" the priest asked.
"No," she replied. "Doesn't the church look down on that?"
"Well," the priest said, "yes, but in some cases we'll make an exception."
The next day, the two boys came down for breakfast and she asked Tommy what he wanted to eat.
Tommy said: "Gimme some fucking waffles."
The mother backhanded Tommy so hard that he flew out of his chair and landed against the door.
Shocked and terrified by this, Timmy became very quiet. His mother asked him what he wants for breakfast, and he replied, "Well you can bet your sweet ass I don't want no fucking waffles!"
Living Will
Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch.
You've been warned!
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch.
You've been warned!I Love Microsoft
I was in the VIP lounge at MIA last week en route to Seattle. While in the lounge,I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac. I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself.
I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello Jim" at me when I was with my client. He agreed.
Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him.
He said, "Hi, Jim, what's happening?"
To which I replied, "Get lost, Gates, I'm in a meeting."
I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business and how I would appreciate it if he could throw a quick "Hello Jim" at me when I was with my client. He agreed.
Ten minutes later while I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him.
He said, "Hi, Jim, what's happening?"
To which I replied, "Get lost, Gates, I'm in a meeting."
2009-02-15
RSA Signage 01
Warning:Intruding on this property by anyone at all
is done so at entirely their own risk
Extremely poisonous snakes and insects
Life is precious, please do not lose it here
Trespassers will be prosecuted
Broke Back Deer Camp
Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one Wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to Make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next Morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what Happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all Night."
The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, same Thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what Happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I Sat up and watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football Player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy Tailed. "Good morning," he said. The other two couldn't believe it! He looked rested And wide awake. They asked, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got Ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his ass and kissed him Good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night."
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next Morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what Happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all Night."
The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, same Thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what Happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I Sat up and watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football Player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy Tailed. "Good morning," he said. The other two couldn't believe it! He looked rested And wide awake. They asked, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got Ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his ass and kissed him Good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night."
(tx Gv)
Flying Around
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to fly to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window.
The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign read: "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer."
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window.
The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign read: "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer."
(ain't that a fact)
2009-02-14
Frogs & Princesses
For the ladies (tx, Angel)
This is a fairy tale that should have been read to girls when they were little:
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am
and then my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle
with my mother (no less),
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel
grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously
on lightly sautéed frogs legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
She chuckled and thought to herself:
We, the men, know that the frog
This is a fairy tale that should have been read to girls when they were little:Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am
and then my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle
with my mother (no less),
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel
grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously
on lightly sautéed frogs legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
She chuckled and thought to herself:
"I don't fuckin' think so."
We, the men, know that the frogWho's going to eat you today is a prince.
Happy Valentine's Day!
GWB finale
At Heathrow Airport in England. A 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses. As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well.
This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.
Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.
Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.
She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."
George W., ever the Texas intellectual and gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."
This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.
Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.
Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.
She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."
George W., ever the Texas intellectual and gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."
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