My Mother Taught Me.... (103)

Logic

"Because I said so, that's why."

Behaviour Modification
"Stop acting like your father!"

New Golfing Arm

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the doctor popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the doctor. "The bad news is; 'I have to remove your right arm!'"
"Oh, God, no!" cries the man, "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is; 'I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm.' I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant"
"Go for it, Doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the doctor.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the doctor.
"Just great" says the man. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the doctor.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours."
"Unbelievable!" said the doctor, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."

My Mother Taught Me.... (102)

Time Travel

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to

knock you into the middle of next week!"

Circle Of Life
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

Kids & Their Success

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the loo. The three who remained talked about their kids.
The first one said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started work at a successful company at the bottom. He studied Economics and Business Administration. He soon began to climb the ladder and now he's the managing director of the company. He has become so rich that he was able to give his best friend a top of the range Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second man said, 'That's very good! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then he went to flying school and qualified as a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he now owns the majority of the shares. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet airliner for his birthday.'
The third man said: 'Well, that's also very good! My son studied in the best of universities and became an engineer. He started his own company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot house.'
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the toilet and asked: 'What are all the congratulations about ?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. .What about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'
The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot house, a brand new jet airliner and a top of the range Mercedes car from his three boyfriends.

(Thanks KB)

My Mother Taught Me.... (101)

To Value A Job Well Done

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

Hypocrisy
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

Customer Satisfaction

A woman went to a WalMart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,
'PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager In front of a growing crowd of customers.
The manager comes to the woman and asks,'Ma'am what's wrong?'
She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,
'PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!' Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads, 'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'
In a huff, the woman says, 'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!'
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

Changing A Flat

Yesterday a blonde had a flat tire on the highway, so she eased her car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk. She then took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of her car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life-like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
She started to change her tire, and to her surprise, cars started slowing down looking at her life-like men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.
It wasn't long before a traffic cop pulled up behind her.
He got out of his car and started walking towards her. She could tell he was not a happy camper! "What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," the blonde said calmly.
"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
The blonde couldn't believe that he didn't know. So she told him, "Hello-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers."

Reincarnation - Jason

Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” Demanded Jason, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”. The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St. Peter”. Jason was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.
St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
“This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies Jason, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”. “You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”. “Never” replies Jason. “Well just relax and let it happen”. And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him… ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Jason, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting the bed!”

Spry Old Gentleman

Groups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'

Time in Egypt

There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square. The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square. One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel: "What time is it, sir?"
The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down: "It's about 2:00," he says.
The tourist can't believe what he just saw. He runs back to the bus, and sure enough it is 2:00 p.m. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story: "The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals!
One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens: It is 2:05.p.m.
He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals.
The local says: "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals. Now, lift them up in the air. Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall..."

Blind - Don't Mess With Them

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have - meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.
The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here ..."

ABSOLUTELY AMAZING

How Sexy Dancers Look Together

Virginia vs Texas

Three Hillbillies from West Virginia and three Texans are travelling by train to the Super Bowl in Florida. At the station, the three Texans each buy a ticket and watch as the three Hillbillies buy just one ticket between them.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Texans.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the Hillbillies.
They all board the train. The Texans take their respective seats but all three Hillbillies cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Texans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. After the game, they decide to copy the Hillbillies on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). At the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Hillbillies don't buy a ticket at all!!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Texan."
"Watch and learn," answers a Hillbilly.
When they board the train the three Texans cram into a toilet. Shortly thereafter the three Hillbillies cram into a toilet close by. Soon, one of the Hillbillies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Texans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."

Making People Happy

Jacob Zuma, Shabir Shaik and Julius Malema are flying on the Presidential jet to a gathering in Cape Town when Shaik turns to Zuma and says, chuckling, 'You know, I could throw a R1000 note out the window right now and make someone very happy .'
Zuma shrugs and replies, 'Well, I could throw ten R100 notes out the window and make ten people happy.'
Not to be outdone, Malema says, 'Well I could throw a hundred R10 notes out the window and make a hundred people happy.'
The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, 'Such arrogant jerks back there. Heck, I could throw all three of them out the window and make 52 million people happy.'

Carnation Milk Slogan

A little old lady from New Orleans had worked in and around family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan... a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...." and she said, I know all about milk and dairy farms...I can do this!!!!
She sent in her entry and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house. A man got out and said, Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it....

Here is her entry:

Carnation milk is best of all,

No tits to pull, no shit to haul,

No buckets to wash, no hay to pitch,

Just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch!

Study At UM

A study at the University of Missouri shows that the type of facial features that a woman finds attractive can differ, depending upon where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example:

If a woman is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

There's 1 Inside Every PMS Babe

If she is menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

Namephreaks

People whose name matched their profession. Like the local fisherman named Buzz Minnow. The dentist Rodney Pain. Hospital spokeswoman Pam Talkington. Substitute teacher (at MY high school!) Mr. Fillin (and no, I don't remember him). Piano teacher Patience Scales. Divorce lawyer Philander Beadle. Orthopaedist Dr. Kneebone. And "the Vatican spokesman for its latest decree against rock 'n' roll is one Cardinal Rapsong.

Herb Caen - 1996

You're Doing It Wrong

Lawyer In The Family

For three years, the young lawyer had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

Iron Supplements

A ranch woman takes her three sons to the doctor for physicals for the first time in their lives.
The doctor examines the boys and tells the woman that they are healthy but she needs to give them iron supplements. Not knowing exactly what iron supplements are, she goes to the hardware store and buys iron ball bearings and mixes them into their food.
Several days later the youngest son comes to her and tells her that he is pissing BB's. She tells him that it is normal because she had put them in his food. Later the middle son comes to her and says that he is crapping BB's. Again, she says that it is OK.
That evening the eldest son comes in very upset. He says: "Ma, you won't believe what happened."
"I know,” she says, “you're passing BB's."
"No," he says. "I was out behind the barn jacking off and I shot the dog."

Travel Agent & Real News

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks: "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.


From "News Corporation"

"Afghanistan's only known pig has been taken off display at Kabul Zoo and locked away to avoid panic among visitors who may be worried about swine flu... The interned animal -- known simply as Pig -- was one of two given to Afghanistan by China in 2002, months after the ouster of the hard-line Taliban regime, to help re-establish the zoo after it was destroyed during civil war."

Real "Strange" News

During my hunt for jokes I occasionally hit a site that has true news and commentaries. If you're interested in American news, their real and frequently bizarre lives then the following is a good site to frequent:

This is True

The site's author, Randy Cassingham, sums up American news - especially the stuff he publishes - with his opinions tagged on very well when he says:

Truth is stranger than fiction
because fiction has to make sense

Ice Fishing

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.
The old man couldn’t believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.
The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn’t take it any longer: "Son, I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You’ve been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded: "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded: "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can’t understand a word you’re saying."
The boy spit the contents of his mouth into his hand and said: "You have to keep the worms warm!"

Counselling A Couple

After 30 years of marriage Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for counselling.
When asked to describe her problems, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 30 years they had been together.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, her husband's obsession with golf and an entire laundry list of unfulfilled needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, tore open her blouse with buttons flying everywhere, ripped her bra off, starts tongue kissing while he embraces her, then puts his hands on her breasts fondled them, and kissed them passionately. A side glance at her husband he then puts his hand up her skirt rips her G-String off and fondles her wildly while her husband Mark watched with a raised eyebrows and mouth wide open.
Jacqueline flushed, tries to cover herself with the torn blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a total daze.
The therapist turned to Mark and said, now do you understand? 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week! Can you do this?'
Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'

Food For Thought

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans

Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

Queensland High

This is the message that the Maroochydore High School Queensland, staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.

The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2
To complain about what we do - Press 3
To swear at staff members - Press 4
To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
If you want this message in another language, move to a country that speaks it.

But We Love Them Anyway

Almost Divorced

A husband and wife have been arguing for several weeks and the wife has finally decided that she wants a divorce. So when the husband comes home she is all packed and ready to go out the door.
The husband takes one look at her and says, "Where do you think your going?"
The wife replies, "I'm leaving you and going to Las Vegas to become a prostitute and earn $400 a blow job."
Upon hearing that, the husband runs upstairs and comes back down with all his bags packed.
The wife looks at him and asks, "Where do you think your going?"
"I'm going with you," The husband replies, "I want to see you live on $800 a year!"

He Obviously Has A Fan Club

(Explain The 3 On The Right)

Police In Saskatchewan

Two men were driving through Saskatchewan when they got pulled over by an RCMP officer. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his night-stick. The driver rolled down the window, and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the head with his night-stick.
"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.
"You're in Saskatchewan son," the cop answered. "When we pull you over in Saskatchewan , you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."
"I'm sorry officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here."
The cop runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean, and gives the guy his license back. The cop then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window, and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the night-stick.
"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.
"Just making your wish come true," replied the cop.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.
"Because I know your type," the cop says, "two miles down the road, you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!'"

20th Anniversary

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.
"Yes I do." she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes I remember."
"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"
"Yes I do", she replied.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."

In Sunday School

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honour thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"

Blonde's Dogs

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Who ever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

The Baby's Name

When Little Johnny's mother found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But Little Johnny overheard some of his parents' private conversations.
One day, when Johnny and his mother were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
"Yes!" Johnny answered, "And I know what we're gonna name it, too. If it's a girl, we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it Quits!"

Trivia

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) ...the percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander The Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windscreen wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All were invented by women.
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!

11 Pairs, Yes, 22 Perfect Buttocks!!

(But You Manage To Spot The Black Socks)

New Orleans Crabs

A man boarded an aeroplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin: "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Men never learn - especially lawyers.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.

A Key At A Time

I Will Not Lie

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her: "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course child," he said: "What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it," she explained. "Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear," he replied, "but I must warn you, I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she said.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare," he replied truthfully.
The official thought this answer strange, so asked: "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said: "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

Beachwear For The Very Smooth

One Hole Behind

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied: "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached the woman again with the same request.
She said: "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."
Once again, he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said: "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"
She replied: "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered. "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said: "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.

2am & The Phone Rings

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, 'how should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife replied, 'I don't know, Some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

Changing Faces

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty. One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said: "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

THERE'S ALWAYS ANOTHER VIEW

Advertising Condoms

These images are posters used in Europe recently to promote AIDS awareness and to promote the use of condoms. Suffice to say there was a little controversy about them. I would think they'd make a refreshing change to old art in the dome of the chapel.

Breakdown

Hello Readers, my network provider became a notwork non-provider for a while there.
Now the blog host has promised some additional downtime on Monday.
Hope to get more posting done now that things are back to normal.
Yeah, yeah, I know that's stretching things about from Lagos - Centre Of Excellence.
Clearly there are varying states of normality.

Keeping Secrets

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.
"No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."
"I don't know about that," answered a blonde female guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was 21."
"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.
"I hardly think so," responded the blonde. "When a woman has kept a secret for 27 years, she can keep it forever."

The Stella Awardees

Someone finally got the list of vices correct:
Sloth, Pride, Wrath, Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Envy... and Stupidity. This is ho these apply to the exacting of justice in the USA.

The Stella Awards
are awards given to people who file outrageous and frivolous lawsuits, named after a woman named Stella Liebeck who, in 1992, spilled a cup of McDonald's' coffee onto her lap, causing third degree burns. She sued McDonald's for delivering extremely hot (undrinkable/burning) coffee and was awarded USD$2.9 million in damages, subsequently reduced by the judge to $640,000, though a later secret settlement was reached between Liebeck and McDonald's. (Reference: Wikipedia)

Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from a football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

Couple With Snoring Dog

Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon And ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will also work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
He wakes from a drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "I don't know where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place."

The Fencepost

While stitching up the hand of an 80-year-old farmer, who got cut while fencing on his property, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Jacob Zuma and his appointment as President of the ANC.
"Well, you know," drawled the farmer, "this Zuma fella is what they call a fencepost turtle."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost turtle was.
The old farmer said, "When you're driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's called a fencepost turtle."
The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just gotta wonder what kind of fool put him up there in the first place!"

Tx GvO

AFRICAN NINJA TURTLES
WE ARE SO SERIOUSLY FUCKED

Laying Down The Law

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students," he explained. "Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued: "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

Pigs Can Fly

Remember the good old days - when you could say it as it was? yeah, before "Politically Correct" ever came along!

Well, in those good old days a number of Americans proclaimed that if an Negro ever got to be president pigs would fly...

100 days after the inauguration of the

first black president of U.S.A....

(if you need help with this consult a 5-year old)

A Matter Of Degrees

A pair of old drunks were lounging in a bar. The first one says: "You know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands; by the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard; by the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem; I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

Nutrition & Geography

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast. To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says, "I had an egg, E-G-G".
"Very good," says the teacher.
Peter says, "I had toast, T-O-A-S-T."
"Excellent."
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
"I had Fuck all," he says, "F-U-C-K A-L-L."
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question. "Johnny," she asks, "Where is the Pakistani border?"
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother. That's why I got fuck all for breakfast."

Weak At The Knees

A Doctor had an elderly patient "drop in" on him for an unscheduled appointment.
"What can I do for you today, Mr. Smith?" the Doctor asked.
The aged gentleman replied: "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak and I can hardly catch my breath... Doctor, I'm frightened!"
The Doctor, looking at his 86-year-old patient, said: "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"
The old gentleman thought for a moment and said, "Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning!"

Doctor's Assistant

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his rather dim-witted assistant.
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic," he said. "I want you to take care of all my patients."
"Yes sir!" Murphy said enthusiastically.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache, so I gave him Paracetamol," he explained.
"Bravo Murphy lad," the doctor said, "and the second one?"
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon," Murphy said.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this -- and what about the third one?" the doctor asked.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in. Like a bolt out of the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: "HELP ME for the love of St. Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!"
"Lord thundering Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" the doctor asked.
"I did the only thing I could do," Murphy said: "I put drops in her eyes!"

Self Evaluation

A little boy went into a store, reached for a carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits.
The store owner observed and listened to the conversation.
The boy asked, "Ma'am, can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?"
The woman replied, "I already have someone to cut my lawn."
"I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now." replied the boy.
The woman responded that she was very satisfied with the person who was presently cutting her lawn.
The little boy was even more persistent and said, "I'll even sweep your curb and your side walk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of Palm beach, Florida."
Again the woman answered in the negative.
With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver.
The store owner, who was listening to this conversation, walked over to the boy and said, "Son I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job."
The little boy replied, "No thanks, I was just checking my performance on the job I already have. I am the one who is working for the lady I was talking to!"

Could you do this with your clients?