net nog 'n bobby jane

playing your own fiddle

Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: "We make the best violins in Italy." The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: "We make the best violins in the world." Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: "We make the best violins on the block."

Now ain't that a fact!

Satirical Candidate #01

Nobody For President
Why vote for Nobody? Because:
Nobody is the best candidate
Nobody cares
Nobody will keep election promises
Nobody will listen to your concerns
Nobody tells the truth
Nobody will lower your taxes
Nobody will defend your rights
Nobody has all the answers
Nobody has run for President of the United States in every election since 1964, when journalist Arthur Hoppe first launched a campaign on his behalf. In 1975 comedian Wavy Gravy and Curtis Spangler took up Nobody's cause, hosting rallies for him across the country as the candidate of the Birthday Party. Their campaign had a serious side, urging that Nobody (or "None of the Above") should be included as an option on all ballots so that voters wouldn't be forced to choose between the lesser of two evils.

(Nobody takes Americans seriously)

truth - stranger than fiction

The image on the left was circulated as "The Worst Named Bus Company in Finland" (half arsed to say the least!)

The one on the right - who's the Fücker that tried to one up that?

Evidence?

Go here!

www dot dumb&dumber

Questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.

Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
Depends how much you've been drinking or sniffing.
I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
Sure, it's only two thousand kilometers. Take lots of water.
Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa ? (Sweden)
So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa ? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)
What did your last slave die of?
Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa ? (USA)
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.
Which direction is north in South Africa ? (USA)
Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get there and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.
I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa ? (USA)
Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
Yes, gay nightclubs.
Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal
I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

kids -1; cops - zero

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike" the cop said, "did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep" the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did" chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

Top doG

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God,I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'Governor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'He's got the bloody Pope as a chauffeur!'

Disney's Desperate Housewives

Latin Languages got it right

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: male - holds everything in, transparent

PHOTOCOPIERS: female - if turned off takes a while to warm up again. An effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but wreak havoc if wrong buttons pushed

TIRES: male - go bald easily, often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS: male - to go anywhere, light fire underneath

SPONGES: female - soft, squeezable and retain water
WEB PAGES: female - constantly looked at, frequently hit on

TRAINS: male - use same old lines for picking up people
HAMMERS: male - hardly any change in 5000 years, occasionally handy to have around

EGG TIMERS: female - over time weight shifts to the bottom
TV REMOTE: female - Ha! You thought male? consider this: It gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

Whitehouse dispute

John McCain and Barack Obama somehow end up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The two barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had McCain in his chair eached for the after shave.
McCain was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Cindy will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse.'
The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'How about you?'
Obama replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

Napa Valley, CA

Vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night. The new wine will be marketed as Pino More

back to the future

One sunny day in January, 2009 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."
The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer resident and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay" and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."

Announcements - London tube train drivers

1) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

2) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

3) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

4) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

5) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..)
"Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...)
"This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"

women give better than they get

Whatever you give to a woman, she will make greater.

Give her sperm and she will give you a baby.

Give her a house and she will give you a home.

Give her groceries and she'll give you a meal.

Give her a smile and she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready for a ton of shit!

No prizes for stating the obvious

better turkey

A turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"
They all asked the farmer how it tasted.
"I don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"

Lemon Squeeze

A religious young woman went to Confession.
She said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins & be forgiven.'
She said, 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long & hard & then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass & then drink the juice.'
She asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

My kinda Santa 106

Global Facts About Sex

The Global Facts... At Any Given Moment In Time!

Fact: 79 000 000 people are engaged in intercourse

Fact: 58 000 000 are kissing passionately

Fact: 37 000 000 are paired off in oral sex

Fact: 1 lonely bugger is reading a joke blog


You hang in there sunshine

A test of moral character

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you Will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please red carefully and give due consideration to each sentence.

THE SITUATION :

You are in England. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the Water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar... You suddenly realize who it is... It's Gordon Brown! ou notice that the Raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options:

You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most Powerful men!

THE QUESTION:

(Please give an honest answer...)

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

Why parents drink

The boss of a company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Is your dad home?" he asked.
In a whispered voice the child said, "Yes".
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a Helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "ME".

Italian Confession

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'
The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'
'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.
'The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'
'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'
'And what is that?' asked the priest.
'Should I tell her the war is over?'

A blonde and a brunette were taking the elevator to the 25th floor.
On the 3rd floor, a very handsome looking man with great hair, but an obvious amount of dandruff, gets into the elevator.
The women exchange a look acknowledging just how good looking this man is. The man gets off the elevator on the 12th floor. The women watch him exit the elevator when the brunette turns to the blonde and says: "God, was he good looking, but someone ought to give him some 'Head & Shoulders'."
To which the blonde replies, "?How do you give Shoulders?"

Another for the sensitive man

My wife and I went to the county show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
this bull mated 50 times last year
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.' We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
this bull mated 150 times last year
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW! That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him.' We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

Irish Drinking Tradition

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.'
The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.'
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints.
All the other regulars' in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.'
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then the light dawns in his eye and he laughs. Oh, no,' he says, 'Everyone is fine. It's me...I've quit drinking!'

at the 11th...

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.
Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward and bent over to pick it up. Then all the other bells started to ring.

sensitive men of the South

Three blokes from Brakpan were working up on a cell phone tower - Frik, Piet and Koos. As they start their descent Frik slips and falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Piet says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife."
Koos says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Castle.
Piet says, "Where did you get that beer, Koos?"
"Frik's wife gave it to me," Koos replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", Koos says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Frik's widow'."
She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow."
Then I said "I'll bet you a case of Castle you are."

Elements of Golf

This one's for CM

This one's for TB

This one's for RB

My kinda Santa 105

The Rabbi & The Taxman

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to Audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'
'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'
'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer but on he went, in his obnoxious way: 'What about all these bread wafer purchases?'
'What do you do with the crumbs?'
'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufactures, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread wafers.'
'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi..
'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office and about once a year they send us a complete prick.'

Blonde 101

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, " we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

" Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, It's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, ' we were saying the alphabet today and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B , C , D, E , F , G!"

"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, It's because you're blonde."

"The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled " we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls have flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"No, honey. It's because you're 24!"

Irish Confession

A married Irishman went into the confessional & said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed & rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's & put £100 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, & then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment & then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £100 on the box, & according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Now here's a surprise

Victory, the Springboks’ sixth straight win saw them inflict upon England the hosts’ heaviest home loss in 136 years of Test rugby on English soil.

It's official, for the moment: Springbokke!!

(and this shows how the Lions feel tonight)

Crocodile Bar Trick

A bloke walks into a bar with a crocodile. Predictably, most of the patrons scarper and the barman complains.
The owner of the croc says, "No worries, mate, watch this."
Picking up a bottle, he smashes it over the croc's head. No reaction, other than a wag of the head. The bloke then gets his penis out and puts it in the croc's mouth, but again the croc just wags its head. Then a fellow punter asks if he can try it.
"Help yourself, mate," says the owner.
The punter proceeds to smash a bottle over the croc's head and then put his penis in its mouth. The croc just gives its usual response. Word spreads and several blokes try it. Then an old biddy walks up for a go.
"Can I just make one request, though?" she asks the owner.
"Ask away, " he replies.
"Don't hit me so hard with the bottle."

Must be "Northern Territories"?!

Wonder what she's saying about Obama?

Telescopic sight

A man goes into a gun shop for a telescopic rifle sight. The assistant takes one out, points out the window and says: "This baby is so good, you can see right into my house on that hill way over there." The man looks through the sight at the house and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the assistant.
"Well, I can see a naked man chasing a naked woman around your house," replies the customer.
Snatching the 'scope back, the assistant cranes his eye through the sight and sure enough, there is his wife, naked, being hotly pursued by an excited young man. Furious, the assistant says to the man, "If I give you two bullets, will you blow my wife's head off with one and take the man's dick out with the other? I'll give you the telescopic sight for free if you do."
"Okay," the man says, as he takes out his rifle and attaches the sight. Taking a quick look through it before loading, he hands one bullet back. "You know what?" he says. "I think I can do this with just one shot."

bummed out

A guy goes to the doctor, and says, “Doc, I feel like I’ve got something lodged in my bottom.”
The quack has a peek and says, “I can definitely see something.” So he gets his tweezers and pulls out a $50 note. Then another $50 then 20 bucks, then a tenner and so on for the next 10 minutes. Finally he says, “I think that’s the lot now.”
“Wow, how much was there in the end? Says the patient.
The doctor adds it up. “$1980 in total.”
“That sounds about right,” says the man. “I wasn’t feeling too grand.”

My kinda Santa 104

Following a nasty car accident...

Following a nasty car accident, a man's wife slips into a coma. After spending weeks at her bedside, the husband is summoned to the hospital. "It's amazing" says the Doctor, breathlessly. "While bathing your wife, one of the nurses noticed she responded to her breasts being touched."
The husband is very excited, and asks what he can do. "Well," says the doc, "if one erogenous zone provokes a response, perhaps the others will too." So the husband goes alone into the room, where he slips his hand under the covers and begins to massage her bits. Amazingly, the woman begins to move and even moan a little. The man tells the doctor, waiting outside.
"Excellent!" he says. "If she responds like that to your finger, I think you should try oral sex." Nodding, the husband returns to the room - but within minutes the heart monitor alarms go off, and the medics pile into the room.
"What happened?" shouts the doctor, as he checks the prone woman's pulse.
"I'm not sure," replies the man, looking sheepish. "I think she choked."

we're all looking forward to the festive season

Fresh From The US of A

When Barack Obama was performing his speech after being elected as president, he had to do it behind three inch thick bullet-proof glass.
I thought that was a bit harsh - just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone.

Black people all over the world celebrated Obama's victory long into the night on Tuesday.
It was okay for them but the rest of us had jobs to go to in the morning!

News just in from America. Despite the recession sales in sheets and scissors have jumped up by 75 percent this week.

When George Bush was president, people said that a monkey could do a better job. Well, we're about to find out!
The votes have been counted; Robert Mugabe is now the president of America.

News from the White House.....George Bush's wallet has gone missing already.

Finally America has come to terms with its past and elected a black President. A spokesman for the new administration was quoted as saying, "He's made his owners very proud."

Barack Obama has said he will give America change. I can believe that, after all a Black man gave me change this morning...
From my sausage and egg McMuffin.

Barack Obama has broken a long tradition by being the first black man to enter the White House without a mop and bucket.

On television yesterday a Democratic operative pointed out that when Obama holds a rally 25-30,000 people show up, whereas when McCain holds one he only draws 10-15,000.
The Republican spokesman replied, "That's because McCain's supporters are at work."

The black President of the USA shaking hands the with new British Prime Minister, Mohammed Patel.
Carlsberg don't do nightmares.....

President Obama has ordered that there should be more programmes with black content on American T.V. The BBC are going to sell them Crimewatch.

A gardener in the White House was sacked today.
He asked when the new spade was coming.

"Get it in the hole"

hoop daar bly een paddatjie oor

Originally = "who needs pockets"
(no translation of my title seems possible)

Life Before The Computer

- A progam was a TV show
- A cursor used profanity
- A keyboard was a piano
- A virus was the flu
- A CD was a bank account
- Memory was something that you lost with age
- An application was for employment
- A hard drive was a long trip on the road
- A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
- And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy

...you just hoped nobody found out

you always carry your folks' yolks with you

Customs Official : 'May I know your name?'

Passenger : 'Batman'

Customs Official : 'What's your name!?'

Passenger : 'My name is Bat-man'

Customs Official : 'Trying to be funny? What's your surname?'

Passenger : 'Super-man'

Customs Official : 'So you're telling me your name is Batman Superman?'

Passenger : 'Yes'

Customs Official : 'Arrest this guy...

In custody, he was asked to show his identification card:

not quite "chaps" are they?