Lucky Dog

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says: "I sure wish I could do that!"
The other one looks at him and says: "He'd probably let you if you pet him a little bit first."

Messing with Kids

1) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.” The teacher asked, ” What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.

2) A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

3) A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

4) One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

5) The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’ A small voice at the back of the room rang out,”And there’s the teacher, she’s dead. ”

6) A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..” “Yes,” the class said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”

7) The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want - God is watching the apples.

Doctors' Rooms

There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
He replied, "There's something wrong with my dick."
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you."
The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone," the man said. Then he walked out and waited several minutes before re-entering.
The receptionist smiled smugly and said, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear."
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it."
The waiting room erupted in laughter.

The moral of the story: Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose.

Vengeful Whales

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale: "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the crew had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female: "Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."
At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
"Look", she said: "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

A Belated Birthday Wish

Hi All,

My network connection has been beyond crap for the last 8 days and is "going to work soon"... Hence the shabby updating.
Since I also missed the bulk of my alerts I have missed a birthday or two.

This is for my bud AJN!!

Heaven & Hell

HEAVEN is where the
police are British,
the chefs Italian,
Mechanics are German,
the lovers are French
and
it is all organised by Swiss

HELL is where the
police are German,
the chefs British,
mechanics French,
the lovers Swiss
and
it's organised by Italians

Blonde at the Library

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said: "I have a complaint!"
"Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her.
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
Puzzled by her complaint the librarian asked: "What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said: "Ahhh... So you must be the person who took our phone book."

Golfing Wisdom

A grandfather, father and son went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blond woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that another member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio if she could join them.
Naturally, the guys all agreed. Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said: "Look, guys, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories, or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."
With that, the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father's mouth was agape: "That was beautiful," he said.
The blonde put her driver away and said: "I really didn't get into it and I faded it a little."
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out a nine iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole.
The son said: "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."
The blonde frowned and said: "It was a little weak. I've left a tricky little putt," before tapping in the five-footer for a birdie. Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole and knocked the hell out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away, smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said: "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old Royal Salute Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night.
The son jumped at the thought. He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said: "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."
The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb: "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly, 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."
The old gray haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said: "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"

Last Day On Earth

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says: "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening."
The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well.
"Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king."
She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles -- the works.
After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made.
The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise. Well, the husband is wide awake watching the clock.
He knows that he is doomed. He taps her. "Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and they again proceed to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her.
By now she is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again. "Honey?" he whispers.
She rolls over and yells: "Would you give it a rest? One of us has to get up in the morning!"

Extra Pretection

Two old ladies are standing at a bus station and one of them is smoking. Suddenly, it starts raining, so the one who is smoking takes out a condom from her purse, cuts the edge off and puts it over the cigarette.
"What are you doing?" her friend asks.
"I don't want my cigarette to get wet so I covered it with a condom," she replies.
"Where did you get it?" her friend asks.
"At the pharmacy," she replies.
So the next day her friend goes to the pharmacy and asks the clerk if she can get a condom.
"What size?" the clerk asks.
"I dunno," she replies, "one that will fit a camel."

Breast Enhancement

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her: "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The woman asks: "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the woman asks: "How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

Ducks In Heaven

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says: "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says: "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this man."
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on, very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says: "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says: "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

Do You Know Who I Am?

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled, and a single agent was assigned to rebook a long line of unhappy inconvenienced travellers. She was doing her best when suddenly an angry customer pushed his way to her desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and shouted: "I don't want to stand in line. I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS and RIGHT NOW!"
The young agent replied: "I'm sorry, sir, I'll try to help you but I've got to help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work things out for you."
The angry passenger was unimpressed and unrelenting. He asked loudly, so that all the passengers could hear: "I don't want to stand in line! Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have you attention, please," her voice bellowed through the terminal. We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him identify himself, please come to the gate."
With the crowd laughing hysterically, he glared at her and swore: "Fuck you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said: "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too!"

Where Is JC?

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

A Rooster Called Jacob

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favourite rooster was old Jacob, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Jacob's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Jacob had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Trevor was so proud of Jacob, he entered him in the Polokwane Country Fair and Jacob became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded Jacob the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly Jacob was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Do you perhaps know of a Politician called Jacob?

Holidays

Hello All,

My apologies for the lack of updates but I am taking a break. Yes, I am on holiday!!!

Back to "normal" on the 22nd April.

Hope you still enjoy what is posted until then.

Myob

Deprive Yourself

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig and a chicken. When he got to the table he saw a dry bowl of cereal.
"What's the deal?" he asks.
His mom says: "You kicked the cow, so no milk for you; you kicked the pig, so no bacon for you; and you kicked the chicken, so no eggs for you."
Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicks the cat.
The boy turns to his mother and says: "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

Husband & Wife Stores

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

(And she likes beer!)

Want Ad:

WANTED:
A tall well-built woman with good

reputation, who can cook frogs

legs, who appreciates a good fuc-

schia garden, classical music, tal-

king without getting too serious.

(now go back and read lines 1, 3 & 5)

Saving Par

Two friends were on the 18th hole at their favourite course. The first one on the tee said: "If I par this hole, I finally break 100!"
Instead of laying up, he proceeded to take a massive swing, hoping to hit the ball past a huge ravine 250 yards away. Sadly, his ball landed directly into that same ravine. Not wanting to give up a stroke, he decided to go down there and hack it out and, with some luck, still manage a par. Deciding on a seven iron over the safer nine iron, the man tramped down into the ravine and, after much searching, finally located his ball. Sadly, his ball lay next to a skeleton of another golfer who had obviously died down there.
Yelling up to his friend, the guy said: "You won't believe this. I found a dead body next to my ball! The poor soul is just laying here, and with a seven iron in his hand too. I guess he had a heart attack or something."
His friend up above yelled down saying: "That's terrible! What do you want to do?"
At which point, the friend in the ravine responded: "Send me down the nine iron. Obviously, the seven iron won't get me out of here!"

Australia On Human Rights

One thing about blokes from Oz is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place!

T. B. Bechtel, a City Councillor from Newcastle , Australia , was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT: 'If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camelshagger will save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say,' 'Red is positive, black is negative, and make sure his nuts are wet.'

Erectile Dysfunction

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.
The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.

What Is It?

To make it stand, you wet it!

To make it wet, you suck it!

To make it stiff, you lick it!

To get it in, You push it!

Damn!!!!!!!

Threading a needle when

you're older is a BITCH!

Factory Management

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizeable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous ... or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."

Shaved Cowboy

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.
The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

Translation...

An elderly couple walks into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man: "I'll need a urine sample, a faeces sample and a blood sample."
The old man says: "What?"
So the doctor says it again.
Once again the old man says: "What?"
So the doctor yells: "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FAECES SAMPLE AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!"
With that, the old woman turns to the old man and says: "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

Vaseline Survey

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?'
She says, 'Yes.. My husband and I use it all the time.' 'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?' 'We use it for sex.'
The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'
The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all... My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'

And you thought it was gonna be a dirty joke!

Shame on you!

April McDee