Tax Poem - USA

Tax his land, Tax his bed,

Tax the table At which he's fed.

Tax his tractor, Tax his mule,

Teach him taxes Are the rule.

Tax his work, Tax his pay,

He works for peanuts Anyway!

Tax his cow, Tax his goat,

Tax his pants, Tax his coat.

Tax his ties, Tax his shirt,

Tax his work, Tax his dirt.

Tax his tobacco, Tax his drink,

Tax him if he tries to think.

Tax his cigars, Tax his beers,

If he cries, then tax his tears.

Tax his car, Tax his gas,

Find other ways To tax his ass.

Tax all he has Then let him know,

That you won't be done till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers Then tax him more,

Tax him till he's good and sore.

Then tax his coffin, Tax his grave,

Tax the sod in Which he's laid.

Put these words Upon his tomb,

'Taxes drove me to my doom.. . '

When he's gone, Do not relax,

Its time to apply The inheritance tax.

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Excise Taxes
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax (currently 44. 75 cents per gallon)
Gross Receipts Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges, IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Personal Property Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service Charge Tax
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax
Sales Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Taxes
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What happened?

Can you spell 'politicians?'
Tell all you American friends about this post!
YOU can help it get there!!!
THE HIPPIES WERE RIGHT!!!!

GO AHEAD -- BE AN AMERICAN

Texas Chilli Tasting

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chilli cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chilli taster named Frank, who has visited from Springfield IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judges table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge 3)

Chilli #1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chilli

>Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>Judge #2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
>Judge #3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint on my driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chilli #2 Austin's Afterburner Chilli

>Judge #1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeño tang.
>Judge #2 -- Exiting BBQ flavour; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
>Judge #3 -- Keep this out of reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chilli #3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli

>Judge #1 -- Excellent fire house chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
>Judge #2 -- A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
>Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all the beer...

Chilli #4 Dave's Black Magic

>Judge #1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>Judge #2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chilli.
>Judge #3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

Chilli #5 Lisa’s Legal Lip Remover

>Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>Judge #2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>Judge #3 – My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off may forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chilli #6 Pam’s Very Vegetarian Variety

>Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.
> Judge #2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
> Judge #3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me any more. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chilli #7 Carla’s Screaming Sensation Chilli

>Judge #1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>Judge #2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last minute. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
>Judge #3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are filled with lave to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing; it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chilli #8 Karen’s Toenail Curling Chilli

>Judge #1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>Judge #2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to REALLY hot chilli.

Mathematical Johnny-us

Little Johnny was in his maths class one day when the teacher singled him out. "If I gave you $200," the teacher began," and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?"
"An orgy," Johnny answered.

Dear Tide...

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction,all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

- Go, Leonardo -

- De Crappio, Go -

Dear Abby is at a loss

The following "cries for help" were sent to 'Dear Abby'...

...A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
...What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
...I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
...I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
...I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
...Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
...I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
...My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
...I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
...My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.
...You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Remember these people can vote!!

(the incorrect vocabulary & spelling mistakes are not mine)

Fuel Lines & River Walks

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"


There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

The Stimulus Plan - USA

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
"The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?
"The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work in America.

A Valentine's Story

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock. "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone any more."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the fucker."

Colonoscopy

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation .. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humour columnist for the Miami Herald.


On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earnhart yet?'
3.. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity..'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

The Duck Hunter

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.'
'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.
'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'
'Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'
'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the local symphony and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.'

Bottle Of Wine

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

"Good trade....."

Catch 'em Young

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

Job Application at 75

This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.

They hired him because he was so funny.....

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?
DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT COULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Time-share Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE?: 7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

Financial Market Update

If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational....

The Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!

And before you know it, these two will merge, and the whole place will be full of bloody wankers.

Fast Thinking Old Man

The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.
At once, they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."
The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Numerology For Work

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We all have been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here is a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If A to Z is represented as 1 to 26 Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K calculates to: 98%

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E calculates to: 96%

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E calculates to: 100%

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T calculates to: 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you:

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that: While hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, bullshit and ass kissing will put you over the top!

At A Loss

Once there was an old man sitting on a bench in the park crying. A younger man walked up to him and asked: "What's wrong?"
The old man replied: "I am married to a sexy 21-year-old woman who gives me two blowjobs a day and we have sex the minute I get home from work and right after dinner."
The young man had a strange look on his face and asked: "What's so bad about that? It sounds to me like you have a great sex life."
The old man replied: "I can't remember where I live!"

Some pussies are hotter than otherS

Elevated Old Lady

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!"
The lesson: If you mess with seniors, you're going to lose.

12-Inch Pianist

One evening a drunk walks into a bar, sits down and happens to notice a 12-inch tall man standing a few feet away from him. Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him: "What the hell is that?"
The guy replies: "He's a pianist!"
"No way," the drunk says, "You're pulling my leg"
So, the guy next to him picks up the 12-inch man, grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano. Sure enough, this little man starts hammering out all the favourite tunes of the bars' patrons.
"That guy is great," the drunk says. "Where did you get him"?
The man told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it until a genie appeared, and was granted one wish.
Inspired by the story, the drunk runs out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it. When the genie finally pops out the drunk says: "I wish for a million bucks." All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead crapping all over him. Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing.
"You bastard," he says. "I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden a million ducks appeared and started crapping all over my new suit."
The man started laughing and wildly exclaimed: "You don't really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist do you?"

Saint Patrick's Day

Irish: Lá ’le Pádraig or Lá Fhéile Pádraig, colloquially St. Paddy's Day or Paddy's Day, is an annual feast day which celebrates Saint Patrick (circa 385–461 AD), one of the patron saints of Ireland, and is generally celebrated on March 17. (Ref. Wiki)

Getting Home Late

Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. 'Twenty quid,' she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, its only twenty quid.
So they hide in the bushes.
They're going 'at it' for a couple of Minutes, when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.
It's a police officer. ''Ello, 'Ello, Ello, whot's going on here then, people?' asks the officer.
'I'm making love to my wife,' Paddy answers indignantly.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'
''Well,' Paddy says, 'neither did I, until you shined that light on her face.'

Parking Space

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

Irish Divorce Court

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client, "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"
"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor, "Shure now, we have a carport."
The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"
"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled, "Oi'm always first out of bed."
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."
"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."
"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"
"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."

Gator Shoes

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"
The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."
So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long alligator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.
Just as the alligator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.
One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"

Chicken Sandwiches

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it any more?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.. He said To the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers Down there too!"
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her! She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!

Newspaper Headliners

[Facetious comment by original publisher]

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[He probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Drop-outs Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Italian Interview

An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Data easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks. "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make a nine," says the Italian.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, when I'm a gonna start?"

Forgotten Anniversary

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Rick got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

... Flori-duh Daily News

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to WalMart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

(Tx Angel)

Blonde Revenge

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a brunette.
Well, the blonde is angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells: "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies: "Shut up, you're next."

The 17th at Sawgrass

A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play the 17th hole at Sawgrass in Ponte Vedra, Florida, exactly the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the small green that is on a small spit of land.
It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball had always fallen short, into the water. Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick, as do many other "average" golfers when negotiating very challenging holes.
Recently, he went to Sawgrass to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball as usual, and said a silent prayer.
However, before he could hit it, a powerful voice from above came booming out from the clouds, saying: "WAIT... REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW ONE."
He complied. As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again: "WAIT. STEP BACK... TAKE A PRACTICE SWING."
So, he stepped back and took a practice swing, certain now that this Heavenly force was going to make his dream come true.
The voice boomed out again: "TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING."
Dutifully, he did. He stopped expectantly and waited. A long silence followed...
Then the voice again boomed: "USE THE OLD BALL."

An Earful

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong -- and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The receptionist said, "Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
He replied, "There's something wrong with my dick."
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you."
The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone," the man said. Then he walked out and waited several minutes before re-entering.
The receptionist smiled smugly and said, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear."
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it."
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
The lesson: If you mess with seniors, you're going to lose.

Blind Date (Jay Leno Show)

We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake. Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah . It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow, she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic, and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing, however, she became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humour of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal. Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down.' And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'

Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

A Little Small

Jack and Jill took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Jill replied, 'the rest are for your father.'

Jason & Johnson

Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says: "Hey, can you give me a hand?"
Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and mouldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgement day, he continues to hold the man's mouldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.
"Hey, thanks a lot," the man says
"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"
Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says: "I don't know, but until I find out I'm sure not going to touch it!"

It pays to know your "right-hand-man"

Overtime

"It's been brought to my attention that you've been doing a lot of unpaid overtime... coming in early, going home hours after everyone else has left the building! I know that you're as concerned about the business as I am... but as your manager I can't let this carry on without taking some action... So, here's a bill for the extra utilities you've been using: lighting, heating... and a nominal charge for use of the toilet facilities."

Moral of the story:

In these severe cost-cutting days "Leave the office early!"

(Tx DB)

Aside from rhyming with masturbation,

Starts off feeling really great
But inevitably leaves you feeling
"You've just fucked yourself"

Middle-Wife

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model aeroplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like
the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.) 'And then, pop!
My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)
'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-centre, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there.'
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

(anonymous teacher)

Lawyers & Light Bulbs

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

1) Three. One to prosecute, one to defend, one to screw it the same way they do everything else.

2) How many can you afford?

Tech Support Request

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker night 10.3 and Beer bash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program.
Can you help me?
Jonathan Powell

Dear Jonathan Powell;
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.
WARNING DO NOT TRY TO: uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to uninstall Wife 1.0 can be disastrous. Doing so may destroy your hard and/or floppy drive. Trying to uninstall or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable system resources.
You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings- Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects Girlfriend 1.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non-recoverable system crash. Some users have tried to download similar products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become infected with a virus. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push the apologize button then the reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.
Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0
-Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD
-Frequently use Communicator 5.0
Tech Support

Six Step Management Course - Bonus Lesson

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office... but she belonged to someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..." but the girl said, "NO."
Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for $200 then pick up the money very fast... he won't even be able to get his pants down.
She agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...She said, "The bastard used quarters!"

Moral of the story:

Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it, and getting screwed.

If she turns around you can write it again

Public Works

Two blonde girls were working for the county public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing, so he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it... why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

Six Step Management Course - Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) When you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

The Knob

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.
Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
Fifteen years later the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've turned the knob many times and I've always loved the results.. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

Six Step Management Course - Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Mistresses

A very wealthy man and his wife were having dinner at a fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife, "I've had enough. I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember if we get a divorce, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a colleague of the husband enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Matt?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

for the boys

Bikinis & Thongs
Yup, just follow the link and browse

Six Step Management Course - Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Artist - Juan Francisco Casas

The stunning pictures, measuring up to 10ft high, were drawn by a rising star of the art world, Juan Francisco Casas. Casas, 31, can use up to four 14p ballpoint pens for a canvas and his works are already a sell-out at exhibitions.
Formerly a traditional painter, Juan began the drawings three years ago based on photographs of nights out with his friends.
Casas said: "I guess it started off as a joke, to try and make something so realistic that people would think is a photo. I also wanted to create it with something that everyone has - a Biro. I don't think it has ever been done before. For me it's not that different from painting. I was trying to show that it doesn't matter what material you use, it's what you do with it."
Casas only uses blue Bics and can get through several to make one drawing. He has just spent two weeks drawing his largest piece, which is 10ft high by 3ft wide.
The only drawback is that he can't erase any errors. He said: "Mistakes are the main problem. It's better if I make them at the beginning." (more at his website)

(Tx AN)

How Full is Your Glass?

Hi Readers, now and again something comes along as a reminder that we, generally, are the fortunate. One of my correspondents sent a message that her mother has the big "C". The next day a mate of mine sent me the clip below:



And the beggars bit, you ask: Here's a pet hate of mine - some prat is standing in the middle of a busy intersection holding a placard that reads "No job, no money, starving family - please help".
So, little old me stops and says "hop in, I'll give you a job for a day - at the going rate". Prat says, "Fuck you, I earn much more than that by standing just where I am."

Next time your change burns your pocket:

Give it to cancer research, please.

!!Do not hand it to Mr FU Prat!!

Live with your life spilling over the brim