A family is at the dinner table.The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions". "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree". "A Christmas tree?" "Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
This damn game leaves me thoroughly confused. Now, where shall I start:
well, how about - "guys wearing just one glove" - "score cards" - "shoes with soft spikes" - "funny" peaked caps - "a four-ball" - "out-of-bounds" - the list goes on and on...
A task force consisting of a DEA agent, an ATF and an FBI agent arrive at a ranch in western Nebraska. The agents tell the rancher, "We need to inspect your ranch for illegal drugs." "Help yourself," the old rancher says, "but don't go in that field over there." The DEA agent practically explodes. He whips out has badge, sticks it in the rancher's face. "Mister, we have the authority of the Federal Government behind us," he sneers, "and we'll go anywhere we feel like going. Got it?!" "Yes, sir," the rancher says. "Good," the agent says. "Now you can go about your chores while we go about ours." A few minutes later, the old rancher hears screams and looks up to see the agents in the field he warned them about. All three are running for their lives -- close behind is his biggest, meanest bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agents. They are clearly terrified. The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...
A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble." "I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified to see the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo." "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over, so now we're going to Sea World."
Three dead bodies turn up over the weekend, all with very big smiles on their faces. Monday morning, the coroner calls the homicide chief to tell him of the weekend's events. The Coroner tells the Inspector, "First body is a 72-year-old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile." "Makes sense," the detective says, scribbling some notes. "The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won ten thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." "Got it," the Inspector said. "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning." "Well, why the heck is she smiling, then?" inquires the Inspector. "Tragic," the coroner said. "She thought she was having her picture taken."
A little boy wanted a bicycle very badly, but was told he couldn't have it because it would cost $100, and the family just didn't couldn't afford that in this bad economy. He prayed for weeks, but nothing happened, so he decided God just couldn't hear his tiny little voice, so he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter to "God, USA", they decided to send it to the President. And sure enough, it was one of the sample letters that reached President Obama's in-box. The president was so touched that he put a $5 bill in the envelope and sent it to the little boy. The president thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to such a young child. The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God:
Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington D.C., and those damned Democrats took $95 in taxes.
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves. "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked. "No, I don't," she replied. "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size." She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well," he thought. "I tried." But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" he asked. "I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer, I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software... ABBOTT: Software for Windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W". COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some straight answers.... What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! (A few days later) ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT: Click on "START"....
Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters, had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away; and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from New London, CT with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowing-boat. After a while Bubbles says, "Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?" Barbie slipped over the side; and finding the water only knee deep said, "Nope, not yet, Bubbles." So they rowed a little farther.... Again Bubbles asked Barbie, "do you think were out far enough now?" Once again Barbie slipped over the side and almost immediately said, "No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest." So on they rowed and rowed and rowed; and finally Barbie slipped over the side and disappeared. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles was really getting worried, when suddenly Barbie broke the surface. Gasping for breath she said, "OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel."
A Jewish congregation in New York honours its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid. When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful girl, nude, lying on the bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the president of the board arranged for you." The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Temple Board and says, "Greenberg, what were you thinking? Where's your respect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this." The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi puts down the phone, turns to her and says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: 1. He called everyone brother 2. He liked Gospel 3. He didn't get a fair trial
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: 1. He went into His Father's business 2. He lived at home until he was 33 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian: 1. He talked with His hands 2. He had wine with His meals 3. He used olive oil
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian: 1. He never cut His hair 2. He walked around barefoot all the time 3. He started a new religion
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian: 1. He was at peace with nature 2. He ate a lot of fish 3. He talked about the Great Spirit
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish: 1. He never got married. 2. He was always telling stories. 3. He loved green pastures
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman: 1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it 3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asketh the Lord. "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this; with the 'Three Kick Rule'." The lawyer asked, 'What is the Three Kick Rule?' The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.' The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
A man with a long history of migraine headaches goes to the doctor. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've learned from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to make love with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."
A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?" After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"
An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gun slinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gun slinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?' The old man looked up at the gun slinger and said, 'No, I never did dance, -- and just never wanted to.' A crowd had gathered quickly and the gun slinger grinned and said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied. When the last bullet had been fired the young gun slinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barrelled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gun slinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gun slinger stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow.. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands. The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's ass?' The boy bully swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'
There are two lessons for us all here: 1. Don't waste ammunition 2. Don't mess with old people
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the doctor popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the doctor. "The bad news is; 'I have to remove your right arm!'" "Oh, God, no!" cries the man, "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?" "The good news is; 'I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm.' I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant" "Go for it, Doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the doctor. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the doctor. "Just great" says the man. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great," said the doctor. "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours." "Unbelievable!" said the doctor, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the loo. The three who remained talked about their kids. The first one said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started work at a successful company at the bottom. He studied Economics and Business Administration. He soon began to climb the ladder and now he's the managing director of the company. He has become so rich that he was able to give his best friend a top of the range Mercedes for his birthday.' The second man said, 'That's very good! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then he went to flying school and qualified as a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he now owns the majority of the shares. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet airliner for his birthday.' The third man said: 'Well, that's also very good! My son studied in the best of universities and became an engineer. He started his own company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot house.' The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the toilet and asked: 'What are all the congratulations about ?' One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. .What about your son?' The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.' The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.' The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot house, a brand new jet airliner and a top of the range Mercedes car from his three boyfriends.
A woman went to a WalMart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, 'PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!' The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager In front of a growing crowd of customers. The manager comes to the woman and asks,'Ma'am what's wrong?' She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams, 'PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!' Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd! In shock, the store manager pleads, 'Ma'am, why are you saying that?' In a huff, the woman says, 'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!' The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!
Yesterday a blonde had a flat tire on the highway, so she eased her car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk. She then took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of her car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life-like you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers. She started to change her tire, and to her surprise, cars started slowing down looking at her life-like men. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a traffic cop pulled up behind her. He got out of his car and started walking towards her. She could tell he was not a happy camper! "What's going on here?" "My car has a flat tire," the blonde said calmly. "Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?" The blonde couldn't believe that he didn't know. So she told him, "Hello-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers."
Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” Demanded Jason, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”. The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St. Peter”. Jason was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”. St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. “This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies Jason, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”. “You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”. “Never” replies Jason. “Well just relax and let it happen”. And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him… ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Jason, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting the bed!”
Groups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'
There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square. The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square. One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel: "What time is it, sir?" The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down: "It's about 2:00," he says. The tourist can't believe what he just saw. He runs back to the bus, and sure enough it is 2:00 p.m. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story: "The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals! One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens: It is 2:05.p.m. He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals. The local says: "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals. Now, lift them up in the air. Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall..."
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have - meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here ..."
Three Hillbillies from West Virginia and three Texans are travelling by train to the Super Bowl in Florida. At the station, the three Texans each buy a ticket and watch as the three Hillbillies buy just one ticket between them. "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Texans. "Watch and learn," answers one of the Hillbillies. They all board the train. The Texans take their respective seats but all three Hillbillies cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Texans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. After the game, they decide to copy the Hillbillies on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). At the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Hillbillies don't buy a ticket at all!! "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Texan." "Watch and learn," answers a Hillbilly. When they board the train the three Texans cram into a toilet. Shortly thereafter the three Hillbillies cram into a toilet close by. Soon, one of the Hillbillies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Texans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."
Jacob Zuma, Shabir Shaik and Julius Malema are flying on the Presidential jet to a gathering in Cape Town when Shaik turns to Zuma and says, chuckling, 'You know, I could throw a R1000 note out the window right now and make someone very happy .' Zuma shrugs and replies, 'Well, I could throw ten R100 notes out the window and make ten people happy.' Not to be outdone, Malema says, 'Well I could throw a hundred R10 notes out the window and make a hundred people happy.' The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, 'Such arrogant jerks back there. Heck, I could throw all three of them out the window and make 52 million people happy.'
A little old lady from New Orleans had worked in and around family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan... a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...." and she said, I know all about milk and dairy farms...I can do this!!!! She sent in her entry and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house. A man got out and said, Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it....
A study at the University of Missouri shows that the type of facial features that a woman finds attractive can differ, depending upon where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example:
If a woman is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
There's 1 Inside Every PMS Babe
If she is menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.
People whose name matched their profession. Like the local fisherman named Buzz Minnow. The dentist Rodney Pain. Hospital spokeswoman Pam Talkington. Substitute teacher (at MY high school!) Mr. Fillin (and no, I don't remember him). Piano teacher Patience Scales. Divorce lawyer Philander Beadle. Orthopaedist Dr. Kneebone. And "the Vatican spokesman for its latest decree against rock 'n' roll is one Cardinal Rapsong.
For three years, the young lawyer had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
A ranch woman takes her three sons to the doctor for physicals for the first time in their lives. The doctor examines the boys and tells the woman that they are healthy but she needs to give them iron supplements. Not knowing exactly what iron supplements are, she goes to the hardware store and buys iron ball bearings and mixes them into their food. Several days later the youngest son comes to her and tells her that he is pissing BB's. She tells him that it is normal because she had put them in his food. Later the middle son comes to her and says that he is crapping BB's. Again, she says that it is OK. That evening the eldest son comes in very upset. He says: "Ma, you won't believe what happened." "I know,” she says, “you're passing BB's." "No," he says. "I was out behind the barn jacking off and I shot the dog."
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks: "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
From "News Corporation"
"Afghanistan's only known pig has been taken off display at Kabul Zoo and locked away to avoid panic among visitors who may be worried about swine flu... The interned animal -- known simply as Pig -- was one of two given to Afghanistan by China in 2002, months after the ouster of the hard-line Taliban regime, to help re-establish the zoo after it was destroyed during civil war."
During my hunt for jokes I occasionally hit a site that has true news and commentaries. If you're interested in American news, their real and frequently bizarre lives then the following is a good site to frequent:
It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn’t believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn’t take it any longer: "Son, I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You’ve been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded: "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded: "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can’t understand a word you’re saying." The boy spit the contents of his mouth into his hand and said: "You have to keep the worms warm!"
After 30 years of marriage Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for counselling. When asked to describe her problems, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 30 years they had been together. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, her husband's obsession with golf and an entire laundry list of unfulfilled needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, tore open her blouse with buttons flying everywhere, ripped her bra off, starts tongue kissing while he embraces her, then puts his hands on her breasts fondled them, and kissed them passionately. A side glance at her husband he then puts his hand up her skirt rips her G-String off and fondles her wildly while her husband Mark watched with a raised eyebrows and mouth wide open. Jacqueline flushed, tries to cover herself with the torn blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a total daze. The therapist turned to Mark and said, now do you understand? 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week! Can you do this?' Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans
Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.
This is the message that the Maroochydore High School Queensland, staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.
The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.
The outgoing message:
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1 To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2 To complain about what we do - Press 3 To swear at staff members - Press 4 To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5 If you want us to raise your child - Press 6 If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7 To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8 To complain about bus transportation - Press 9 To complain about school lunches - Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day! If you want this message in another language, move to a country that speaks it.
A husband and wife have been arguing for several weeks and the wife has finally decided that she wants a divorce. So when the husband comes home she is all packed and ready to go out the door. The husband takes one look at her and says, "Where do you think your going?" The wife replies, "I'm leaving you and going to Las Vegas to become a prostitute and earn $400 a blow job." Upon hearing that, the husband runs upstairs and comes back down with all his bags packed. The wife looks at him and asks, "Where do you think your going?" "I'm going with you," The husband replies, "I want to see you live on $800 a year!"
To search the jokes type your keyword(s) into "Search Blog" at top left. If your criteria matches any word anywhere in the title or text you'll get a result. If you don't like something I published drop me a comment but note: jokes are politically incorrect, racist, sexist, and religiously off kilt. For this I will not apologise.
