This is from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts".
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
2009-01-31
fighting hillbillies
There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.
He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"
He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"
silent order
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so".
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."
real maths
The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his blonde secretary for some mathematical help.He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Florida. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings!"
2009-01-30
Law & Order 16
This is from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts".
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
praying parrots
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
(silence)
Finally, the one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed: "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
(silence)
Finally, the one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed: "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
geek vs nerd
Main Entry: geek (noun)
Etymology: probably from English dialect geek, geck fool, from Low German geck, from Middle Low German
Date: 1914
A carnival performer often billed as a wild man whose act usually includes biting the head off a live chicken or snake
Main Entry: nerd (noun)
Etymology: perhaps from nerd, a creature in the children's book If I Ran the Zoo (1950) by Dr. Seuss (Theodor Geisel)
Date: 1951
An unstylish, unattractive, or socially inept person ; especially: one slavishly devoted to intellectual or academic pursuits
Etymology: probably from English dialect geek, geck fool, from Low German geck, from Middle Low German
Date: 1914
A carnival performer often billed as a wild man whose act usually includes biting the head off a live chicken or snake
Main Entry: nerd (noun)
Etymology: perhaps from nerd, a creature in the children's book If I Ran the Zoo (1950) by Dr. Seuss (Theodor Geisel)
Date: 1951
An unstylish, unattractive, or socially inept person ; especially: one slavishly devoted to intellectual or academic pursuits
(source: Webster Online)
Schwartz
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he discovered the longest private part he had ever seen.
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's member.
The coroner stuffed his prize into his briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe." he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed....."Schwartz is dead!"
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's member.
The coroner stuffed his prize into his briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe." he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed....."Schwartz is dead!"
2009-01-29
Law & Order 15
This is from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts".
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
Stingy lawyer
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying: "You can't take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. When he passed away, he planned to reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife was up in the attic cleaning, when she came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"That darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. When he passed away, he planned to reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife was up in the attic cleaning, when she came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"That darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
a big mistake
In an ancient monastery, a new monk arrived to dedicate his life and to join the others copying ancient records. The first thing he noticed was that they were copying by hand, books that had already been copied by hand.
He had to speak up. "Forgive me, Father Justinian, but copying other copies by hand allows many chances for error. How do we know we aren't copying someone else's mistakes? Are they ever checked against the originals?"
Father Justinian was startled! No one had ever suggested that before. "Well, that is a good point, my son. I will take one of these latest books down to the vault and study it against its original document."
He went deep into the vault where no one else was allowed to enter, and started to study. The day passed, and it was getting late in the evening.
The monks were getting worried about Father Justinian. Finally one monk started making his way through the old vault, and as he began to think he might get lost, he heard sobbing. "Father Justinian?" He called.
The sobbing was louder as he came near. He finally found the old priest sitting at a table with both the new copy and the original ancient book in front of him. It was obvious that Father Justinian had been crying for a long time.
"Oh, my Lord," sobbed Father Justinian, "the word is 'celebrate'!!"
He had to speak up. "Forgive me, Father Justinian, but copying other copies by hand allows many chances for error. How do we know we aren't copying someone else's mistakes? Are they ever checked against the originals?"
Father Justinian was startled! No one had ever suggested that before. "Well, that is a good point, my son. I will take one of these latest books down to the vault and study it against its original document."
He went deep into the vault where no one else was allowed to enter, and started to study. The day passed, and it was getting late in the evening.
The monks were getting worried about Father Justinian. Finally one monk started making his way through the old vault, and as he began to think he might get lost, he heard sobbing. "Father Justinian?" He called.
The sobbing was louder as he came near. He finally found the old priest sitting at a table with both the new copy and the original ancient book in front of him. It was obvious that Father Justinian had been crying for a long time.
"Oh, my Lord," sobbed Father Justinian, "the word is 'celebrate'!!"
getting gassed up
There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up." Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".
Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".
As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex".
The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week".
The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".
Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".
As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex".
The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week".
lost in translation
An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!" which the guy took to be a pleasurable exclamation.
The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo".
The Japanese clients looked confused and said: "No, you got the right hole."
The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo".
The Japanese clients looked confused and said: "No, you got the right hole."
2009-01-28
Winston Churchill
On Sir Stafford Cripps:
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
George Bernard Shaw
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one."
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
About naval tradition: It's nothing but rum, sodomy, and the lash.
On punctuality: I am a sporting man. I always like to give trains and aeroplanes a fair chance of getting away.
Law & Order 14
This is from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts".
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
update - medication
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink' . Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink' . Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
4th grade
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!'
Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'Fuck the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'
The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was George Bush, Iraq, 2007.'
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!'
Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'Fuck the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'
The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was George Bush, Iraq, 2007.'
The FBI Is Hiring
The FBI is considering hiring one of three men. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him: "Do you love your wife?"
He replies: "Yes I do, sir."
"Do you love your country?" asks the interviewer.
"Yes I do, sir."
The interviewer continues: "What do you love more, your wife or your country?"
He replies: "My country, sir."
The interviewer looks at the man, and continues: "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her."
The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about five minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."
The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says: "What happened?!?!"
The guy replies: "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"
IS WATCHING YOU
He replies: "Yes I do, sir."
"Do you love your country?" asks the interviewer.
"Yes I do, sir."
The interviewer continues: "What do you love more, your wife or your country?"
He replies: "My country, sir."
The interviewer looks at the man, and continues: "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her."
The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about five minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."
The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says: "What happened?!?!"
The guy replies: "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"
IS WATCHING YOUThe Races
Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed this blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.
The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitchell bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitchell was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!"
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants... you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and 'The Last Rites'."
Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed this blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.
The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitchell bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitchell was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!"
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants... you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and 'The Last Rites'."
2009-01-27
Law & Order 13
This is from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts".
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
... finally together
She married and had 13 children.
Her husband died.
She married again and had 7 children.
Again, her husband died.
But, she remarried and this time she had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin the preacher prayed for her, he thanked The Lord for this loving woman and said, " Lord they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, " I think he means her legs."
Her husband died.
She married again and had 7 children.
Again, her husband died.
But, she remarried and this time she had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin the preacher prayed for her, he thanked The Lord for this loving woman and said, " Lord they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, " I think he means her legs."
Golfing With An Older Man
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."
Sabbath Sex
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question.
The priest says after consulting the Bible, 'My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays.'
The man thinks: 'What does a priest know of sex?'
He goes to the minister...a married man, experienced.. for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply.. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath.
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge... A Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question and states, 'My son, sex is definitely play.'
The man replies, 'Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!'
The Rabbi softly speaks, 'If sex were work... my wife would have the maid do it.'
The priest says after consulting the Bible, 'My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays.'
The man thinks: 'What does a priest know of sex?'
He goes to the minister...a married man, experienced.. for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply.. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath.
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge... A Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question and states, 'My son, sex is definitely play.'
The man replies, 'Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?!'
The Rabbi softly speaks, 'If sex were work... my wife would have the maid do it.'
You Americans
A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.
"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"
The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "oh! You Americans. You are so rude. Fluffy is in that seat, and I see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."
The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.
"You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window."
"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"
The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "oh! You Americans. You are so rude. Fluffy is in that seat, and I see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."
The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.
"You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window."
2009-01-26
Law & Order 12
This is from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts".
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
Redneck Hitchhiker
A truck driver was driving down the highway when he sees a priest hitchhiking on the road. He stops to pick up the priest, but he has a few misgivings about giving him a ride; usually when the driver sees a redneck on the road, he hits them -- with a priest in the truck, he'd have to swerve. But the driver decides to pick up the priest.
A little while later, he comes across a redneck hitchhiking. He decides to just swerve and let this one live when, all of a sudden he hears a "BOOM!" The driver looks over at the priest, who says, "Don't worry -- I got him with the door."
A little while later, he comes across a redneck hitchhiking. He decides to just swerve and let this one live when, all of a sudden he hears a "BOOM!" The driver looks over at the priest, who says, "Don't worry -- I got him with the door."
farmer's daughters
A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?"
"No," the farmer said.
The second beau came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"
"No."
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. "Hello, my name is Chuck."
The farmer shot Chuck.
"No," the farmer said.
The second beau came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"
"No."
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. "Hello, my name is Chuck."
The farmer shot Chuck.
3 tickets to...
There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So, of course, he also fled.
Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.
The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So, of course, he also fled.
Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you."
2009-01-25
Law & Order 11
This is from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts".
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
sign in a store window
"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN"
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia. Americans are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across America would be marching on this business and that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back. But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement. Americans are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it is just a sign. You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?
A funeral home
(Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)
you might be a redneck if
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
You smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself all month.
A tornado goes through your trailer's yard and makes it look neater.
You've got to shuck your toilet paper before you use it.
You have an autographed picture of Bob Barker in your wallet.
You think "Meals on Wheels" is another name for roadkill.
You shot your own 12 point coat rack.
You've been to the emergency room more than 3 times for mashing the wrong end of a thumb tack.
The number of times you've seen either Elvis or a UFO exceeds your I.Q.
You trim your beard and find a French fry.
You use a piece of bread as a napkin.
You wear overalls to save on the cost of shirts and underwear.
Your birth announcements included the words "rug rat".
Your car alarm eats dog food.
Your car burns more oil than gas.
Your flashlight holds more than four batteries.
Your horse can count higher than you.
You think Hamlet is on the McDonald's breakfast menu.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you had to see your maw run her car at the dirt track race.
Your dad says, "Let's hit the road for dinner," and then grabs a shovel.
You ever called your sister "Mom" and didn't have to correct yourself.
The directions to your bathroom include, "Go past the big oak and hang a left at the woodshed."
You're in bed with your wife and you call out a name you gave to a coon you killed.
You've ever been arrested for where you got your girlfriend roses.
Your old car is now considered the main storage unit.
Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
You smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself all month.
A tornado goes through your trailer's yard and makes it look neater.
You've got to shuck your toilet paper before you use it.
You have an autographed picture of Bob Barker in your wallet.
You think "Meals on Wheels" is another name for roadkill.
You shot your own 12 point coat rack.
You've been to the emergency room more than 3 times for mashing the wrong end of a thumb tack.
The number of times you've seen either Elvis or a UFO exceeds your I.Q.
You trim your beard and find a French fry.
You use a piece of bread as a napkin.
You wear overalls to save on the cost of shirts and underwear.
Your birth announcements included the words "rug rat".
Your car alarm eats dog food.
Your car burns more oil than gas.
Your flashlight holds more than four batteries.
Your horse can count higher than you.
You think Hamlet is on the McDonald's breakfast menu.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you had to see your maw run her car at the dirt track race.
Your dad says, "Let's hit the road for dinner," and then grabs a shovel.
You ever called your sister "Mom" and didn't have to correct yourself.
The directions to your bathroom include, "Go past the big oak and hang a left at the woodshed."
You're in bed with your wife and you call out a name you gave to a coon you killed.
You've ever been arrested for where you got your girlfriend roses.
Your old car is now considered the main storage unit.
blind golf
A priest, a doctor, and a professional golfer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
GOLFER: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
DOCTOR: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
PRIEST: Hey, here comes the greenkeeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?
GEORGE: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here any time free of charge!
(Silence!)
PRIEST: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
DOCTOR: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
GOLFER: Why can't these guys play at night?
GOLFER: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
DOCTOR: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
PRIEST: Hey, here comes the greenkeeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?
GEORGE: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here any time free of charge!
(Silence!)
PRIEST: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
DOCTOR: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
GOLFER: Why can't these guys play at night?
2009-01-24
Law & Order 10
This is from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts".
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
Better than a flu shot
Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl..
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl..
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
wrong address
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, the husband flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room , so he decided to send an email to his wife. He accidentally left out one letter in her email address and, without realising his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral (he was a minister who had a heart attack and died). The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and freinds. After reading the first message she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room to investige. This is what he found on the computer display:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived!
Date: Thursday...
I know that you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything had been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room , so he decided to send an email to his wife. He accidentally left out one letter in her email address and, without realising his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral (he was a minister who had a heart attack and died). The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and freinds. After reading the first message she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room to investige. This is what he found on the computer display:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived!
Date: Thursday...
I know that you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything had been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!
(oldie but goody)
a wee bit-o-luck
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him.
"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
A year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
"It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."
"I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Only once or twice a week?"
"Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
handicaps DO differ
"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."
A year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"
"It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"
The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."
"I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Only once or twice a week?"
"Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
handicaps DO differ2009-01-23
on a more serious note
If you feel like having a fat whine about how unfair life is to you, or you have someone who's whinging more than you think they should... this should help restore a healthier perspective on how good life really is!
Law & Order 09
This is from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts".
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
Biology Class
Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"
Q & A
Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women crazy? A. Money
Q. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? A. Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? A. It's not hard.
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist beach? A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist beach? A. She is the one who can eat the last donut.
Q. What's the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom? A. A pick-pocket snatches watches.
Q. What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs? A. One is a goodyear, and the other is a great year.
Q. Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts? A. Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
Q. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? A. Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? A. It's not hard.
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist beach? A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist beach? A. She is the one who can eat the last donut.
Q. What's the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom? A. A pick-pocket snatches watches.
Q. What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs? A. One is a goodyear, and the other is a great year.
Q. Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts? A. Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
Father, I've Fallen
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come to the confessional, they keep talking about having 'fallen.'"
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about! Your wife fell three times this week."
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come to the confessional, they keep talking about having 'fallen.'"
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about! Your wife fell three times this week."
2009-01-22
Law & Order 08
This is from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts".
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
alien invasion
Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station.
They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it: "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The alien repeated the greeting.
There was no response.
The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently: "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade: "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap.
When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said: "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered: "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, it’s that you should never mess with anyone who can wrap his dick around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear!"
They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it: "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The alien repeated the greeting.
There was no response.
The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently: "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade: "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap.
When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said: "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered: "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, it’s that you should never mess with anyone who can wrap his dick around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear!"
memorable sayings
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
There are two kinds of pedestrians--the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Jury - Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
There are two kinds of pedestrians--the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Jury - Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.
Designated ¿Driver?
A true story from the Mount Isa in Queensland
Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub.
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.
The Police officer said 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken.'
'I doubt it,' said the man, 'tonight I'm the designated decoy!'.
Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub.
Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into.
He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.
The Police officer said 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken.'
'I doubt it,' said the man, 'tonight I'm the designated decoy!'.
(Tx TB)
by the proverbial
An elderly woman walked into the main office of Chase Manhattan Bank building, holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the teller's window that she wished to deposit the $3 million in the bag and open an account at the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of the bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller thought that to be a reasonable request, and, after opening the bag and seeing bundles of $1000 bills, which amounted to approximately $3,000,000, telephoned the bank president's secretary for an appointment for the lady.
The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made, and she stated that she liked to get to know people she did business with on a more personal basis. The president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of cash. "Was it inherited?" he asked.
"No," she replied. He was quiet for several seconds, trying to think of where this elderly lady could possibly have come into $3 million.
"I bet," she offered. "As in horses?".
"No," she replied, "as in people". Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. Suddenly, she said, "I'll bet you 25,000 that by 10 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square."
The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't know how he could lose. For the rest of the day, he was extremely cautious--he decided to stay home that evening and take no chances. $25,000 was at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make certain that everything was O.K. There was no change in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as always. He went to his office and waited for the woman to come in at 10AM, humming as he went. He knew this was his lucky day. How often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?
At 10 o'clock sharp, the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked her what the other man was with her for, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much money involved in her betting.
"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this," he said, "but I'm the same as I've always been, only $25,000 richer."
The old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What's wrong with him?"
She replied, "Nothing, except that I bet him $100,000 that by 10am today I'd have the Chase Manhattan Bank president's balls in my hand."
The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made, and she stated that she liked to get to know people she did business with on a more personal basis. The president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of cash. "Was it inherited?" he asked.
"No," she replied. He was quiet for several seconds, trying to think of where this elderly lady could possibly have come into $3 million.
"I bet," she offered. "As in horses?".
"No," she replied, "as in people". Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. Suddenly, she said, "I'll bet you 25,000 that by 10 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square."
The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't know how he could lose. For the rest of the day, he was extremely cautious--he decided to stay home that evening and take no chances. $25,000 was at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make certain that everything was O.K. There was no change in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as always. He went to his office and waited for the woman to come in at 10AM, humming as he went. He knew this was his lucky day. How often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?
At 10 o'clock sharp, the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked her what the other man was with her for, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much money involved in her betting.
"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this," he said, "but I'm the same as I've always been, only $25,000 richer."
The old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
"Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What's wrong with him?"
She replied, "Nothing, except that I bet him $100,000 that by 10am today I'd have the Chase Manhattan Bank president's balls in my hand."
2009-01-21
Law & Order 07
This is from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts".
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
the right stuff
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian" (picture below).
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Coffee Table: $239.99. Breakfast: $4.20. Aspirin: 38c
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian" (picture below).
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Coffee Table: $239.99. Breakfast: $4.20. Aspirin: 38c
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!
worst (best) web addresses
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn't give their domain names enough consideration:
1. A site called "Who Represents" where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name? wait for it? is
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
3. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
4. If you're looking for computer software, there's always
5. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website
6. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
1. A site called "Who Represents" where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name? wait for it? is
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
3. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
4. If you're looking for computer software, there's always
5. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website
6. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at
2009-01-20
Law & Order 06
This is from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts".
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Painless Birth
A married couple goes to hospital together to have their baby delivered. When they arrive, the doctor says they have just taken delivery of a new machine which transfers a portion of the mother's pain to the father.
"Would you be willing to try it out?" asks the doctor.
"Yes of course," says the husband, who is very much a Sensitive New Age Guy.
As the woman goes into labour, the doctor sets the machine to 10 percent and asks the man if it hurts. "No, it's fine," he says. The doctor raises the setting to 20 per cent. "Still okay," says the man. The doctor gradually lifts the setting to 50 per cent. The husband closes his eyes and grits his teeth, but insists he can cope without any problem, so the doctor raises it gradually to 75 per cent.
"I can take it," says the husband. "Give me the full 100 per cent." So the doctor does, and the wife bears the baby with no pain at all.
The doctor goes off to write up the case for The Medical Journal, while the couple takes their baby home. On the doorstep they find the wife's tennis coach dead.
"Would you be willing to try it out?" asks the doctor.
"Yes of course," says the husband, who is very much a Sensitive New Age Guy.
As the woman goes into labour, the doctor sets the machine to 10 percent and asks the man if it hurts. "No, it's fine," he says. The doctor raises the setting to 20 per cent. "Still okay," says the man. The doctor gradually lifts the setting to 50 per cent. The husband closes his eyes and grits his teeth, but insists he can cope without any problem, so the doctor raises it gradually to 75 per cent.
"I can take it," says the husband. "Give me the full 100 per cent." So the doctor does, and the wife bears the baby with no pain at all.
The doctor goes off to write up the case for The Medical Journal, while the couple takes their baby home. On the doorstep they find the wife's tennis coach dead.
aah! the power of edukashin
Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are won't to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are won't to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
2009-01-19
Law & Order 05
This is from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts".
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
evening out
A couple was going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled-up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives and as they start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her out in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"
The silence in the cab was deafening.
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her out in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"
The silence in the cab was deafening.
Johnny telling tales
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.
He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.
He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Creative Writing [Venus & Mars]
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. And now, the Assignment as submitted by Rebecca & Gary:
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far...". But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for physically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel", Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?", she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu-udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu-udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
Asshole.
Bitch.
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far...". But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for physically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel", Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?", she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu-udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu-udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
Asshole.
Bitch.
2009-01-18
Law & Order 04
This is from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts".
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
Married? - Why?
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' 'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: 'Husband Wanted'. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .
A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?' Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?' Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
Then there was a woman who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.'
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!' Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' 'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: 'Husband Wanted'. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .
A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?' Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?' Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
Then there was a woman who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.'
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!' Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
A Woman's Prayer: Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death.
what to do with Osama?
Killing him will only create a martyr. Holding him prisoner will inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his release.
Therefore, I suggest we do neither.
Let the special forces, Seals, or whatever covertly capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change operation. Then we return HER to Afghanistan.
Therefore, I suggest we do neither.
Let the special forces, Seals, or whatever covertly capture him, fly him to an undisclosed hospital and have surgeons quickly perform a complete sex change operation. Then we return HER to Afghanistan.
2009-01-17
1 of 37
The season is over, the late mail is now lost mail, so we'll have to concede we're not on the mailing list.
(Damn!)
Law & Order 03
This is from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts"
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
Republican & Democrat
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Save the Whales' hat, and a 'To Hell with Bush' T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp, then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck, while the third tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!", he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental Activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?"
"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he sure don't know nothin' about bear huntin! Is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a 'Save the Whales' hat, and a 'To Hell with Bush' T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp, then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck, while the third tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!", he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental Activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?"
"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he sure don't know nothin' about bear huntin! Is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"
baby names
When Little Johnny's mother found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But Little Johnny overheard some of his parents' private conversations.
One day, when Johnny and his mother were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
"Yes!" Johnny answered, "And I know what we're gonna name it, too. If it's a girl, we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it Quits!"
One day, when Johnny and his mother were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
"Yes!" Johnny answered, "And I know what we're gonna name it, too. If it's a girl, we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it Quits!"
Wisdom of Will Rogers
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n putting' it back in.
If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him...The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you're throwing' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him...The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you're throwing' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
2009-01-16
Law & Order 02
This is from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts"
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
diagnostic problem
“I can’t find a cause for your illness,” the doctor said. “Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking.”
“In that case,” replied his patient, “I’ll come back when you’re sober.”
“In that case,” replied his patient, “I’ll come back when you’re sober.”
definitely - Johnny
A kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.
The first student raises his hand and says, "The sky is definitely blue".
The teacher replies, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".
Another student says, "Grass is definitely green."
The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."
Little Johnny raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?"
The teacher looked at him and said, "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion."
So Little Johnny replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."
The first student raises his hand and says, "The sky is definitely blue".
The teacher replies, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".
Another student says, "Grass is definitely green."
The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."
Little Johnny raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?"
The teacher looked at him and said, "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion."
So Little Johnny replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."
2009-01-15
Law & Order 01
This is from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts"
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
Shrt Obit
Doreen's husband Matt died suddenly one day, and it fell to Doreen to take care of the funeral arrangements. It was during her consultation with the undertaker that she was asked how she wanted Matt's obituary to read.
Doreen asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?"
The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word."
Doreen then said, "I want the obituary to read ‘MATT IS DEAD.’"
The undertaker was an old fishing buddy of Matt's and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered, "I'll make you a special deal since I knew Matt so well. I'll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket."
Doreen's face lit up and she replied, "Great. I want it to read -
Doreen asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?"
The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word."
Doreen then said, "I want the obituary to read ‘MATT IS DEAD.’"
The undertaker was an old fishing buddy of Matt's and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered, "I'll make you a special deal since I knew Matt so well. I'll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket."
Doreen's face lit up and she replied, "Great. I want it to read -
‘MATT IS DEAD, BOAT FOR SALE.’
depressed stowaway
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.”
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.”
2009-01-14
Creative Snake
Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm.
The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.
Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth…
IT'S A GIFT
The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.
Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth…
IT'S A GIFT
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