New Orleans Crabs

A man boarded an aeroplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin: "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Men never learn - especially lawyers.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.

A Key At A Time

I Will Not Lie

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her: "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course child," he said: "What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it," she explained. "Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear," he replied, "but I must warn you, I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she said.
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare," he replied truthfully.
The official thought this answer strange, so asked: "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said: "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

Beachwear For The Very Smooth

One Hole Behind

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied: "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached the woman again with the same request.
She said: "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."
Once again, he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said: "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"
She replied: "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered. "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said: "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.

2am & The Phone Rings

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, 'how should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife replied, 'I don't know, Some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

Changing Faces

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty. One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said: "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

THERE'S ALWAYS ANOTHER VIEW

Advertising Condoms

These images are posters used in Europe recently to promote AIDS awareness and to promote the use of condoms. Suffice to say there was a little controversy about them. I would think they'd make a refreshing change to old art in the dome of the chapel.

Breakdown

Hello Readers, my network provider became a notwork non-provider for a while there.
Now the blog host has promised some additional downtime on Monday.
Hope to get more posting done now that things are back to normal.
Yeah, yeah, I know that's stretching things about from Lagos - Centre Of Excellence.
Clearly there are varying states of normality.

Keeping Secrets

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.
"No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."
"I don't know about that," answered a blonde female guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was 21."
"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.
"I hardly think so," responded the blonde. "When a woman has kept a secret for 27 years, she can keep it forever."

The Stella Awardees

Someone finally got the list of vices correct:
Sloth, Pride, Wrath, Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Envy... and Stupidity. This is ho these apply to the exacting of justice in the USA.

The Stella Awards
are awards given to people who file outrageous and frivolous lawsuits, named after a woman named Stella Liebeck who, in 1992, spilled a cup of McDonald's' coffee onto her lap, causing third degree burns. She sued McDonald's for delivering extremely hot (undrinkable/burning) coffee and was awarded USD$2.9 million in damages, subsequently reduced by the judge to $640,000, though a later secret settlement was reached between Liebeck and McDonald's. (Reference: Wikipedia)

Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from a football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

Couple With Snoring Dog

Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon And ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will also work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
He wakes from a drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "I don't know where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place."

The Fencepost

While stitching up the hand of an 80-year-old farmer, who got cut while fencing on his property, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Jacob Zuma and his appointment as President of the ANC.
"Well, you know," drawled the farmer, "this Zuma fella is what they call a fencepost turtle."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost turtle was.
The old farmer said, "When you're driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's called a fencepost turtle."
The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he definitely doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just gotta wonder what kind of fool put him up there in the first place!"

Tx GvO

AFRICAN NINJA TURTLES
WE ARE SO SERIOUSLY FUCKED

Laying Down The Law

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students," he explained. "Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued: "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

Pigs Can Fly

Remember the good old days - when you could say it as it was? yeah, before "Politically Correct" ever came along!

Well, in those good old days a number of Americans proclaimed that if an Negro ever got to be president pigs would fly...

100 days after the inauguration of the

first black president of U.S.A....

(if you need help with this consult a 5-year old)

A Matter Of Degrees

A pair of old drunks were lounging in a bar. The first one says: "You know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands; by the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard; by the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem; I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

Nutrition & Geography

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast. To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says, "I had an egg, E-G-G".
"Very good," says the teacher.
Peter says, "I had toast, T-O-A-S-T."
"Excellent."
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
"I had Fuck all," he says, "F-U-C-K A-L-L."
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question. "Johnny," she asks, "Where is the Pakistani border?"
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother. That's why I got fuck all for breakfast."

Weak At The Knees

A Doctor had an elderly patient "drop in" on him for an unscheduled appointment.
"What can I do for you today, Mr. Smith?" the Doctor asked.
The aged gentleman replied: "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak and I can hardly catch my breath... Doctor, I'm frightened!"
The Doctor, looking at his 86-year-old patient, said: "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"
The old gentleman thought for a moment and said, "Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning!"

Doctor's Assistant

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his rather dim-witted assistant.
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic," he said. "I want you to take care of all my patients."
"Yes sir!" Murphy said enthusiastically.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache, so I gave him Paracetamol," he explained.
"Bravo Murphy lad," the doctor said, "and the second one?"
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon," Murphy said.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this -- and what about the third one?" the doctor asked.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in. Like a bolt out of the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: "HELP ME for the love of St. Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!"
"Lord thundering Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" the doctor asked.
"I did the only thing I could do," Murphy said: "I put drops in her eyes!"

Self Evaluation

A little boy went into a store, reached for a carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits.
The store owner observed and listened to the conversation.
The boy asked, "Ma'am, can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?"
The woman replied, "I already have someone to cut my lawn."
"I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now." replied the boy.
The woman responded that she was very satisfied with the person who was presently cutting her lawn.
The little boy was even more persistent and said, "I'll even sweep your curb and your side walk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of Palm beach, Florida."
Again the woman answered in the negative.
With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver.
The store owner, who was listening to this conversation, walked over to the boy and said, "Son I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job."
The little boy replied, "No thanks, I was just checking my performance on the job I already have. I am the one who is working for the lady I was talking to!"

Could you do this with your clients?

Smoking Blondes

A pair of blondes were discussing their heavy smoking habits. "I get such a yen for a cigarette," said one, "that the only effective countermeasure is to pop a Life Saver into my mouth and suck hard."
"That's fine for you," huffed her friend, "but I don't happen to live in a house that's right on the beach!"

While You Were Away

A woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying: "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then Daddy got on top of her..."
The boy’s mother held up her hand. "Not another word," she said: "Wait till your Father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."
The Father came home soon afterwards. As he walked into the house, his wife said: "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you."
"But why--" asked the startled father. "Go ahead, Son. Tell Daddy just what you told me."
"Well," the son said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when Daddy was away last summer."

Moral of the story: listen to the whole sales pitch before you buy in on anything.

IF YOU CAN HOLD THE POSE...
..IT'S A CUNNING STUNT

muslima dot com

This is strange, very £@$*ing strange: you can meet your ideal Muslim babe online.

No, I am not taking the piss, really I am not (try the link if you have no faith).

www dot muslima dot com

I think they should call it the Muslim Lotto because this is what you're going to get - and if you have enough money you can keep playing until you get lucky!

Dear Abby... again

Dear Abby, Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? (signed, Wondering)
Dear Wondering, The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.

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Dear Abby, I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? (signed Sam)
Dear Sam, Yes. Run for public office.

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Dear Abby, What inspires you most to write? (signed Ted)
Dear Ted, The Bureau of Internal Revenue.

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Dear Abby, I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits. (signed, Rose)
Dear Rose, So would I.

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Dear Abby, What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? (signed, Bess)
Dear Bess, Night and day.

Obama might do better writing to Abby

Golfing Death

Joe was teeing off from the men's tee. On his down swing, he realized that his wife, Wendy, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.
A few days later, Joe got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy: "Joe, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head," the coroner said. "You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?"
"Yes, sir, that's correct," Joe said.
"Joe, I also found a golf ball wedged up her butt," the coroner said.
"Was it a Titleist 3?" Joe asked.
"Yes, it was," the coroner replied.
"That was my Mulligan."

Bob Thaves

Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.

May & May & May McDee