August McDee

Julie McDee

Confusing Game

This damn game leaves me thoroughly confused. Now, where shall I start:

well, how about
- "guys wearing just one glove"
- "score cards"
- "shoes with soft spikes"
- "funny" peaked caps
- "a four-ball"
- "out-of-bounds"
- the list goes on and on...


BUT

Men With Badges

A task force consisting of a DEA agent, an ATF and an FBI agent arrive at a ranch in western Nebraska.
The agents tell the rancher, "We need to inspect your ranch for illegal drugs."
"Help yourself," the old rancher says, "but don't go in that field over there."
The DEA agent practically explodes. He whips out has badge, sticks it in the rancher's face. "Mister, we have the authority of the Federal Government behind us," he sneers, "and we'll go anywhere we feel like going. Got it?!"
"Yes, sir," the rancher says.
"Good," the agent says. "Now you can go about your chores while we go about ours."
A few minutes later, the old rancher hears screams and looks up to see the agents in the field he warned them about. All three are running for their lives -- close behind is his biggest, meanest bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agents. They are clearly terrified.
The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...

"Your badges! Show him your badges!"

A Blonde & 2 Chimps

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified to see the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over, so now we're going to Sea World."

Smiling Cadavers

Three dead bodies turn up over the weekend, all with very big smiles on their faces. Monday morning, the coroner calls the homicide chief to tell him of the weekend's events.
The Coroner tells the Inspector, "First body is a 72-year-old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."
"Makes sense," the detective says, scribbling some notes.
"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won ten thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
"Got it," the Inspector said. "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning."
"Well, why the heck is she smiling, then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Tragic," the coroner said. "She thought she was having her picture taken."

Letter To God (101)

A little boy wanted a bicycle very badly, but was told he couldn't have it because it would cost $100, and the family just didn't couldn't afford that in this bad economy.
He prayed for weeks, but nothing happened, so he decided God just couldn't hear his tiny little voice, so he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter to "God, USA", they decided to send it to the President. And sure enough, it was one of the sample letters that reached President Obama's in-box.
The president was so touched that he put a $5 bill in the envelope and sent it to the little boy. The president thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to such a young child.
The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God:

Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington D.C., and those damned Democrats took $95 in taxes.

Dental Patient

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't," she replied.
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile. "Oh, well," he thought. "I tried." But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

MAY BE MISTAKEN FOR A "DRAEM"

I Think I Need A Computer

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer, I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software...
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some straight answers.... What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"....

Apologies for the big gap

Hi Followers, Visitors & Friends.

I've been snowed down with work- hence the gap.

Thanks for the patience and ongoing support.

Myob

Burial At Sea

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters, had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away; and the two blondes kept their promise.
They set off from New London, CT with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowing-boat.
After a while Bubbles says, "Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"
Barbie slipped over the side; and finding the water only knee deep said, "Nope, not yet, Bubbles."
So they rowed a little farther.... Again Bubbles asked Barbie, "do you think were out far enough now?"
Once again Barbie slipped over the side and almost immediately said, "No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest."
So on they rowed and rowed and rowed; and finally Barbie slipped over the side and disappeared.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles was really getting worried, when suddenly Barbie broke the surface.
Gasping for breath she said, "OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel."

Honouring The Rabbi

A Jewish congregation in New York honours its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.
When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful girl, nude, lying on the bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the president of the board arranged for you."
The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Temple Board and says, "Greenberg, what were you thinking? Where's your respect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this."
The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi puts down the phone, turns to her and says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

My Mother Taught Me.... (109)

Genetics

"You're just like your father."

Wisdom

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

Justice

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"

Jesus Was...

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do

My Mother Taught Me.... (108)

Weather

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

Adulthood
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

The Computer Is Off

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

My Mother Taught Me.... (107)

Stamina

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

Medicine
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

The Lawyer & The Duck

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this; with the 'Three Kick Rule'."
The lawyer asked, 'What is the Three Kick Rule?'
The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.'
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

My Mother Taught Me.... (106)

Osmosis

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

Receiving
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

Severe Migraines

A man with a long history of migraine headaches goes to the doctor. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've learned from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to make love with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."

My Mother Taught Me.... (105)

Irony
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

Anticipation
"Just wait until we get home."

Never Anger Your Nurse

A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door,
laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"
After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"

Had A Sense Of Humour...
... Once

My Mother Taught Me.... (104)

Foresight

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

Envy
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

An Old Prospector

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gun slinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gun slinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'
The old man looked up at the gun slinger and said, 'No, I never did dance, -- and just never wanted to.' A crowd had gathered quickly and the gun slinger grinned and said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied. When the last bullet had been fired the young gun slinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barrelled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gun slinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gun slinger stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow.. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands.
The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'
The boy bully swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'

There are two lessons for us all here:
1. Don't waste ammunition
2. Don't mess with old people

June McDee