Southern hospitality

A US Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

"Dear Captain,
Thursday will be my daughter, Melinda's, coming of age party. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No Mexicans. We don't like Mexicans."
Southern Belle

Sure enough, at 8:00 PM on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door which she opened to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely mannered, smiling BLACK officers. Her jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she stammered, "There must be some mistake!"
"Madam," said the first officer, "Captain Martinez doesn't make mistakes!"

Dear Wife

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband

P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

Nazi Youth...

Is this guy trying to be a fucking comedian, or what? He wants to save humanity from fags & trannies! A deluded ex Hitler Youth, who's position of Pope, that he now occupies, has been used too deny, protect and silence endless cases of child rape by his organisations criminal employees. Estimates of compensation or confidentiality payouts by the Roman Catholic Church in 2007, are a staggering $615,000,000. Imagine a chain of child-care centres that conspired to cover up the crimes of its employee's. The CEO and General Managers would be in jail for life.
The gaul of this guy, absolutely no shame. A Nazi who wears a fucking dress, petticoats and red "rainbow hunting" shoes, the boss of bosses in a criminal organisation that systematically thwarts law enforcement from investigating major crimes; demands everyone obey the bigoted and idiotic rules his organisation has made up over the centuries; rules designed to entrench the churches own power & corruption, nothing more.

Rabid attack on Pope (copied off another blog - more to come)

Boyfriend Rules 05

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk aobut sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my duaghter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early".

Johnny's Assignment

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

Law & Order 21

This is from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts".

ATTORNEY: TROOPER, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
TROOPER: Yes.
ATTORNEY: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
TROOPER: Yes, sir.
ATTORNEY: What did she say?
TROOPER: What disco am I at?

old man's dying request

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.
1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer
Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favour. Today, I am going to give each of you and envelope with $50,000 dollars inside.
When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave.
After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested."
The Priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. Its all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave."
Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a cheque for the full amount and threw it all in!!!"

If you saw the bike first...

Boyfriend Rules 04

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.

home comforts

An American salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan . Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'But down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes'.
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life. Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures $20.00'.
'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 cents'.
The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later the machine shut off.
With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit....which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

Too Much Sugar

A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

Ten Commandments

There once was a good Baptist Minister, who in order to make his family's budget go a little further, rode a bicycle to Church and to Church functions. One day his bike turned up missing. He searched everywhere, but could not find it. Since it was a very small town he lived in, and most of the town was in his parish, he assumed that one of his flock had strayed and stolen his bicycle.
He spoken with his Deacon about his quandry. The Deacon suggested that at the Sermon next Sunday, the Minister talk on the Ten Commandments. When he got to the Commandment "Thou Shalt Not Steal", the Minister should turn on the Fire-and-Brimstone and preach like he had never preached before. The guilty part should then feel such remorse for their wrongdoing, that they would return the bike.
So Sunday came and the Minister gave his sermon. It was a good sermon but when he reached "Thou Shalt Not Steal", there was no Fire-and-Brimstone. The Deacon was puzzled and asked the Minister why he hadn't really socked it to the thief.
"Well" said the Minister, "I was all set to turn on the Fire-and-Brimstone like I had never done before. That part was to be my sermon to end all sermons. But when I got to the "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" part, I remembered where I had left my bicycle!"

Law & Order 20

This is from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts".

ATTORNEY: And where was the location of the accident?
WITNESS: Approximately milepost 499.
ATTORNEY: And where is milepost 499?
WITNESS: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Boyfriend Rules 03

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do no, infact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

aircrew

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."
Marvin sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right; is the captain a woman? I think I better have a whiskey and water." When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right, the captain is a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact the entire crew is female."
"My God," said Marvin, "I'd better have two whiskeys and water. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit. Now it's the box office."

Law & Order 19

This is from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts".

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you.
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

Old country preacher

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.
Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whisky, and a Playboy magazine.
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up."
"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. "And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "He's gonna run for Congress!"

advice for the girls (dating)

What Men Say (And What They Really Mean)

I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
I'm not attracted to you in that way. (You're ugly.)
My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
Let's be friends. (You're ugly.)

Boyfriend Rules 02

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Groundhog Day

Paris, France
February 2, 2007

Not to be outdone by the Americans, UN officials held their own Groundhog Day.

In their own Groundhog Day ceremony, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), tying in reports on global warming, announced that there would be six more weeks of winter.

... followed by 1000 years of summer.

Law & Order 18

This is from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts".

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

new dentures

The Minister had the last of his teeth out and was fitted with dentures.
The first Sunday he preached for 10 minutes.
The second Sunday he preached for 20 minutes.
The third Sunday he preached for 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this here was his reply. "The first Sunday my gums were so sore I could hardly talk.The second Sunday the new dentures were hurting and on the third Sunday I was in a rush. I grabbed the wife`s by mistake and well... I couldn't shut up!!!"

advice for the boys (dating)

What Women Say (And What They Really Mean)

I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of every banjo-playing geek on "Hee Haw.")
There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one Jurassic geezer.)
I'm not attracted to you in that way. (You are the ugliest dork I have ever laid eyes upon.)
My life is too complicated right now. (I'm waiting for a rich sugar daddy.)
I've got a boyfriend. (I'd rather stay home alone.)
I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.)
It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)
I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and as my job has got to be better than dating you.)
I'm celibate. (One look at you and I'm ready to swear off men altogether.)
Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and fall in love with.)

Boyfriend Rules 01

With the run-up to Valentine's Day I decided it would be good to give some guidance on

"Dating Rules For Your Daughters Beau"

Here then is the first of 10 helpful hints:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, becasue you're sure not picking anything up.

February McDee & February McDee